A bed of roses & their thorns

I'm going back home tmr. Going back to my routine driven life, sigh. Not tt I hate routines, I find it comforting to be in control & actually have some sense of responsibility and goal. Hey, miss all of my frens. Shd try to meet up b4 sch reopens. Time to assume seniority, time to grow up...haha.

I woke up to see the sunrise today. The lousiest sunrise I've ever encountered...not tt I've ever sat down to wait for it to come...but back at MG i still vaguely remember catching glimpses of the gorgeous pink-tinged sky. Today's sunrise wuz horrible. Mayb it's the bad air in KL, what with all the pollution. The thick grey fog blocked out all that could have been beautiful...we only saw the sky turn from pewter gray to a lighter shade...so much for a beautiful sunrise. My cousin and I were even armed with our cameras to capture tt brilliant moment. Blah.

The sunrise I imagined wuz perfect. The first glimmers of dawn, piercing the initial dullness of the dark sky...slowing igniting then a change of colour...violet, then a light pink glow tinges the sky. Finally, a lovely orange hue. At least tt's what I vaguely remember while back at MG...hmmm. That lovely picture still holds in my mind. I shall attempt to watch the sunrise again when I go home, mayb the sunrises in spore are better:)

Hmmm...I still have abt 1 more day to decide on my NY's resolutions. I think specifics are necessary for resolutions to be met. SO, haiz I will be specific and not be so general...I mean who doesn't want to do well, be the best they can be and all the rest of the over generalized resolutions tt mere mortals can never stick to.

My day wuz good. Let's see I bought a new hp cover today, I bought a new bible today...convinced myself to get the cheaper one cuz honestly it's what's inside tt counts. But I prefered KJV to the NKJV tt I bought, unfortunately due to the humongous frame of the KJV, I decided to get the latter. Oh wellz. Then after lunch we went to the club to play badminton and bowling...then it wuz off to dinner. Wow...how did the day end so fast? Must be all the heavy traffic:/ Hmph.

Yes then it wuz off to a frantic marathon of stuffing, cramming, packing and repacking weeks' of shopping into the luggage bags. Blah. So irritating. SO when tt's finally done I come skipping down to the com to type this while watching America's Funniest Home Video. Haha. Enjoy while it lasts babe.

Enjoy while it lasts ya'all.

I have great ambitions in life...I hope it's not selfish to want to be successful. What with a world that is dying & people suffering...how can I still want to dream & hope for better when everything is so bad? That's why I wonder if my ambitions are selfish...I mean it's not like I dream to be a great humanitarian or selfless doctor helping out in the UN...rather mine leans more towards the er...more 'selfish' type of career path.

But not everybody can be called to do God's work...being missionaries & pastors. Mum says it's all in their calling...cuz tho it might seem silly...I feel guilty not wanting to do His work...it's juz tt I have other plans, always did. *sigh* I feel darn selfish now:/

It's pretty interesting to see how my career options seem to evolve over the years. When I wuz a child, used to really want to be an artist. Then as I got older, became obsessed with books, so I wanted to be an author. I even wrote a few incomplete stories. Haha, I never finish what I start...what a terrible habit. Ok, I'm exaggerating, I juz dun ever finish the stories tt I write. Now at this point in life, my back-up career choice would be to teach. But it's not exactly what I really want. I mean it's juz back-up!! Haiz...I want my career path to have something to do with music of course. I think that will always be my main passion. All the rest of my passions r merely fleeting...what I really would love is to be in a recording studio, writing & recording:) Gosh, heaven on earth:) In the end I always go back to writing...the lyrics aren't all that good...but they are from the heart. Of course there is also fashion, my other interest...but my parents wld rather I go into interior designing or architecture. Haha. Ok I dun mind. So let's see...what am I studying for? I don't quite know. Oh wellz guess it's typical for a person to know what he/she wants in life but it's best to complete one's education first. Honestly I dunno how Lit & Geog will help me later on in the future but u never know when it might come in handy.

Today is the 29th...time really flies...the New Year is juz round the corner and there r a few things which I do fear.

Orientation!! I'm partially clueless for mass dance 2005 & more than partially clueless for this year's mass dance. Argh...today is the last meeting for ogls & bummer...but I can't be there. Sorry Ben!! Pls go rehearse the mass dance cuz u gotta teach the guys, I only noe the girl part. haha. And to Wonus...Ben msg me & says u r missing!! where r u? haha, & dun worry babe the tsunami didn't get me:) And to Lifeng & whoever is in charge of the storyline, very cool but honestly...I still dun get it:)

*SIGH* Art...yes I do love thee yet I fear thee. It's such a disgusting burden on my back. I didn't have time to do it back home so I lugged it all the way here to do. Urgh. How to finish?? I'm dead...gonna get skewered, impaled!!! Sometimes I really feel like juz dropping...but I dun really like to quit.

*SIGH* Music exam...yes I do love thee yet I fear thee. Ditto Ditto. I really hate practising...plonking the stupid keys all day long is horrid...only if it's exam pieces. Where is my tenacity?? Come back! But I must...juz do it. Haiz, this is a classic example of love & hate.

Oh yes & who can forget the dreaded 'A's...it's ironic that we cannot see beyond the Os when we took them tt there is something much worse up ahead...Can't wait for it to be OVER!! I've planned so much stuff to do in my 'life after death'...So silly...wishing for it to be over even before I begin my new year.

Nevertheless, through it all at least I know my God You will always be there for me & I shd never fear. Indeed...through it all You will always be by my side. Everytime I remember this wonderful truth, I can't help but to feel immensely comforted.

When the oceans rise & thunders roar I will soar with You above the storm, Father You are king above the flood. I will be still and know You're God.

I wuz experiencing alot previously...but now i've sorta calmed down a little. I guess if things happen, they always happen for a reason right? That's my theory. So when bad things happen...is it God's will? He has the power to control anything & everything...so he must have allowed them to happen. But yet, we can't blame him for everything that happens...it's juz not fair. Argh...I'm driving myself crazy thinking about all this.

Exhausted myself mentally thinking...juz talking to myself, & reasoning wish i didn't have to think so much. But i've too much things let unsaid...and sometimes I feel as if there is nobody who really cares to listen. Everybody is juz too self -cntred to care. Haha...even I sometimes do feel quite sick & tired of listening all the time. But when I do speak out...pple say i'm selfish to say what my heart desires. Why? Why? Oh wellz, 'tis somtimes better to keep everything to oneself...I juz hate it when people don't genuinely want to listen...the distance that separates us makes m feel even more alone.

So I shall leave it to God, everything...no matter what happens I will cling onto him. It is the belive of mankind to fight for what he or she desires, to fight for one's happiness. But, what's the point of fighting when it's probably against his will anywayz. So henceforth...I shall not for the life of me, exhaust myself thinking of things that most people will not even bother about.

Who knows what tmr will hold? Seriously...everything will always be a big mystery 'til it happens. Indeed, tonight watching the news wuz a big shock. A huge earthquake triggered a tsunami tt hit S.E Asia, causing flooding to occur all around the area near phuket & other parts of S.E Asia. Gosh, so many people, juz died like tt. My family had wanted to go to one of the beaches in M'sia...this news caused us to realise tt this wuz really God's grace tt help save us. If we had went earlier...who knows wat could have happen. Would I even have the will-power to fight for my life? I know my life wuz bought with His...but I don't really think it's all tt bad to die.

Imagine...water surrounding every inch of my body. Will I keep swimming? Will I even be able to swim? Gosh...what does it feel like to drown?? Painful I suppose...all the water surging into one's lungs, devoid of air...suffocation. Urgh...ok the process of death ain't pretty, but I still don't think I'm tt afraid of it.

Expect the unexpected. How would i know I wldn't juz die tmr. My parents hate it when i speak like tt, but really if I died tmr...will I die with any regrets? Well, no regrets they only hurt. I do have regrets. I realise that i've no legacy to leave behind, things left unsaid & undone.

Even after saying so much, I don't think anything will change...i'm too passive, I guess it's all due to female passivity, haha. I will still continue living life like i can see no end, tt's the beauty of youth. Who looks at the final destination when the scenery is so beautiful. Never end, never end...'tis beautiful yet it feels wrong to be ignorant about where we will be when it all ends.

Anywayz...today wuz slightly less mundane. We went to a small church, I liked the msg the pastor shared. Then it wuz off to meeting with my dad's old schoolmates. Incredible, the power of friendship, they still keep in touch after all these years. And of course, to end the day...a shopping spree at the megamall...mua hahaha. Yeah, i lurve shopping, but i'm not obsessed!! Bought a pair of shoes & a polo tee:) Very happy. Talked to my grandma today, she shared quite alot. Mum says I ought to write a autobiography of her. Like me...she is not afraid to die. She is so candid, at times she plans her own funeral...telling my mum what to do. She wants the choir to sing at her wake. Haha...isn't she funny? Yupz...she wants us to sing Amazing Grace:)

Ah wellz...so tt marks the end of another day. Tmr is Mum's bdae. Happy Birthday...& dun worry u haven't hit the dreaded 50 yet:)

Ah...woke up at noon today...very bad. Wasted so much time lazing ard on the bed. Yes the Christmas tree looks less cheery without all the colourful packages under it. Yupz, it's finally Christmas...which means tt something else to look forward to wld b the New Year.

Haiz...ok so time to think abt my New year's resolutions for this year...It shd be practical not too ambitious... shd b challenging too. Mayb the best resolution is to start everything on a clean slate. To bury the past. To bury the hatchet & juz do everything all over again...only this time strive to do it better:)

But tt's hard. Way pass the 'challenging' notch. Hmmm...but i think the most impt resolution wld be to make an effort to walk closer with the Lord:) By factoring Jesus into any equation...the solution will always be right!

Oh wellz, to everybody have a Merry Christmas & a very Blessed New Year!

It always happens when one doesn't have or one loses something & it's gone. I miss so many things tt i used to have & i need so many things tt i dun have. Yet on Christmas I always remind myself tt the best gift wuz already given hence I can give freely & lack nothing:)

So many strange faces tt i see, all unfamiliar, yet I guess it's true tt when u miss somebody, every face tt u see will remind u of the one whom u wish to meet. *sigh* beautiful strangers tt holds his visage...I should stop doubting myself & stop doubting him, yet how can I believe something that defies logic & reason? Am I juz being cynical? Well in this area of life, yeah I guess i've always been this cynical. I've never believed, but now mayb im converting...Will our fates ever meet I wonder, now everything seems shrouded in darkness & secrecy, nobody knows nor understands what my heart yearns to share. Even I cannot fathom my own emotions. Even I cannot believe my own capacity to love. How is it possible? Yet how can it be impossible. These emotions in me is like an overflowing vessel, that threatens to overflow lest I let it go...in words they take shape & try but fail to write all tt my heart wishes to say.

'Tis embarassing to be so blatant to reveal so much. But what is this pride that is standing in my path? My greatest fear is to show the truth, so is it inevitable that i live in darkness all my life? Sometimes I feel it's not worth the wait & most of the time...it's discouragement that I receive as advice when I seek hope. They don't understand...I cannot let it go...neither do I wish to wait any longer...there is so much to do & so much to experience. So is it worth a lifetime to wait for tt someone to fill the void? Maybe I wuz wrong...wrong to believe tt the only happiness tt I can receive is from him. Maybe.

Lord what do u think? Seriously do tell of ur thoughts, what is ur will? Do I sound melancholic? *sigh* every moment of sadness it reminds me that I do love him more than I know...haha so he merely brings me sadness? No...when I reflect on the little things, the joy I feel is worth every ounce of pain he gives...

"I read about a young couple whose business had failed, and they had little money to spend at Christmas. They were going to have to move out of their house after the new year. But they didn't want their holiday season to be spoiled because of it. So they decided to throw a party. Whe n the guest arrived, they saw a cedar tree decorated with one string of lights and small rolled-up pieces of paper tied to the limbs with ribbon.

'Welcome to our blessing tree!' they said, beaming. 'In spite of hard times, God has blessed us in so many ways that we dicided to dedicate our tree to Him. Each piece of paper describes a blessing He has given us this year.'

This cuple has faced more trials since then, but they have chosen to stay focused on the Lord. They often remark that the Christmas with the blessing tree was one of their mjost beautiful, because they could testify as Mary did:'My spirit has rejoiced in God my Saviour...He who is mighty has done great things for me' (Luke 1:47-49)

Whatever your difficulties, they needn't spoil Christmas, for nothing can spoil Christ! Like this couple, stay focused on Jesus and seek ways to share His blessings with others--perhaps through your own blessing tree." --JEY

Jesus came--and came for me!
Simple words, and yet expressing
Depths of holy mystery,
Depths of wondrous love and blessing.

*****

Wow time passes fast, it's Christmas Eve!! Argh...if it could only snow now, everything would be perfect:) Well the above story is juz one of the devotionals tt really spoke to me:) I guess we really should give thanx for watever we have despite tt we may be going thru tough times.

I juz finished Christmas shopping today. The presents r official under the tree. Ok i still have one more gift not bought & one more not wrapped...but I will get to it...*sigh* I think my siblings have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. Pretty packages merely hide, prices paid but He paid the highest price. Hope I will have the chance to remind them the reason why we celebrate Christmas, the reason why He came. So indeed To give meaning to Christmas, give Christ first place.

I guess that's what photography is about, capturing the moments. Every second, minute,every moment counts, because history cannot possibly repeat itself in the exact same fashion.

I had an absolute whale of a time taking photos today. In KL now, so the landscape here is a tad different:) even in some of the shopping centres. I do enjoy being in crowded areas but hey, down in KL some of the shopping centres are pretty deserted, so good 4 an amateur photographer like me:)

Went into a quaint looking store & took a few pictures of the pretty accessories...& I tried out the sepia look( making the photos turn a brownish tinge). After a while I realised most of the photos looked a tad similar...haha.

Wellz will b going to the beach soon. My cousins want to try out underwater photography!! Argh...so excited! So we shall go shopping for all the necessary equipments real soon:) But oh wellz to save money we prob will juz buy the disposable cameras.

Haha, really never thought tt photography wuz so fun:) must be one of my sudden obsessions again...with probably a short-lived passion. Oh wellz but it's not a bad hobby I guess...juz expensive:)

So yeah...spent half the day getting to KL, my heart still with the choir:) I wonder how the last performance wuz? Still can't believe I missed the LAST performance for carolling. Remember what I told u guys:) Must tell me if u all experienced any special moments together! & for curiosty's sake, what is the souvenir u guys got?? Got keep one for me?:D
Then spent the other half of the day going around the mall, as I've said earlier...yupz. Can't wait to be in touch with nature:)

Countdown for Christmas...3 more days:D Be joyful all u peeps!!

How does one know when it's the right time to advance forward?
How does one get the courage to move towards...
How does one know when to give it all up?
How do you give it up?

I don't know...I don't even know where to start & I haven't even started yet so I can't give up. Yet I'm tired. So tired. Why should I continue when it probably doesn't even matter anymore. One chapter is closed & sometimes I can't wait to embrace the new. Yet what is this nostalgia tt I feel I cannot let go. I still, after all this time, cannot let go. Sometimes I think it's not fair...yet I can't imagine any other outcome from this whole situation...there is no reality, only a figment of my imagination. Maybe I was imagining the whole episode to be something worth waiting for when in fact I wuz waiting in vain. What will the next chapter hold? I really do wonder...the future is like a beautiful stranger. I'm in love with her, because I don't know, I can still hope & tt's the joy of not knowing:)

...Missing the one who is missing all my life...

...Amidst the crowd I do see something that beseeches me. Amidst the crowd I search & found something that I needed to see...

The music, make the line, feel each nuance. I'm glad the music we made last evening was nuanced juz tt little bit...today is another episode, another chance to create:) *sigh* unfortunately I will not be able to sing for the last performance:( Oh wellz, all the best to u folks anywayz...if there is a special moment that I missed while u guys carolled, must tell me abt it!! I shall try not to regret:)

Mel came today to watch us...sounded so Bri-ish I say. Haha, thanx for making the trip down dearie. Then we went to eat dinner at Thai Express. Haha me & Sam where the suckers!! We ordered this damn damn hot & spicy dish which had loads of chilli padi in it!! Wah...it wuz damn hot!! Each bite wuz pain & pleasure all at once heh...lots of things in life is like tt I guess. Poor us...Thank God we didn't get diarrhoea. Took some pics tt night, no time to post em up now but will do so soon:)

Ah wellz...4 more days to Christmas! So cheers peeps:)

Youth today went well:) but i missed the adult service cuz there wuz cell group meeting, what a bummer cuz i really enjoy the messages tt Pastor Rony shares. Oh wellz. There wuz a drama performance today, very meaningful tho it wuz simple. The Red Tie Club:) It's so simple to ask yet we as human beings, we cannot accept the simplicity of the matter...to ask & u will receive, seek & u shall find. That is pride, to want to try & buy one's way into heaven...

Went to Deb's house after tt, with huiling too:) It wuz real fun, tho we did nothing much but talk, & i managed to do some Art while they lazed around in the pool. Yes, at least i wuz a tad productive today. I feel like I've wasted my hols *sigh* no matter how much one does, it still feels like it's never enough.

Then we had dinner, Deb's Mum is a great cook!!! No really...i think Janna's Mum & Deb's Mum should fight it out in the Iron Chef or sumthing...haha. Oh yes, I miss watching tt show, I usually root for the Iron Chef:) Huiling & I were saying tt it wuz like some sorta of grand feast, it wuz classy & elegant together with aesthetic quality & taste. Wow, I felt like I wuz in some posh restaurant manz!!

It's the nights when one starts to miss...strange. Maybe cause the day is so chocked full of activities tt every other thought is ousted out from one's tired mind. Then in the night it starts coming back to u...like amnesia I guess:) Thank God for words...Thank God for people. If I had nobody to talk to or if words ceased to exist, I think I will die of...I don't noe, suppression? Repression? Cause I have to hold back my every thought & emotion.

Reached home feeling so drained...yet here I am typing this. Tmr still got carolling...need to reach sch by 11.15am. Kaez, I will try not to sleep so late...ah wellz...Goodnite, my bed beckons:)

It's a Sunday morning literally:) I really like tt song. Going to church soon...but juz thought i will drop by to say hi! I'm currently quite obsessed with my blog design, so was surfing around trying to find some neat looking blogskins. But then again mayb I will try to create my own so tt it's more personalised:)

I love subtlety...yes pretty random, but I love subtlety. I think it's lovely to read subtle lyrics or stories or any kind of prose for tt matter. It makes u think wtheck the person is trying to say...it makes u think, so tt is good. Then one would get this warm feeling of realisation as if u r the only person who found out a great piece of secret n nobody else noes:) Haha.

Deb u need to help with this com stuff, i'm a failure at all these html things!!!

Okayz, shall log off now, gtg to church! God Bless peeps:)

ok, so here it goes...
really don't know y i started this blog...i never really liked blogging. It's like revealing everything to anyone, how vulnerable. Yet here i m starting one. Haha. Oh wellz like i said it's a compulsive desire so i can't stop it & anywayz i guess it wld b fun whilst it last:)

Argh...wat's the date today? Oh no...time flies...there r many things to give thanx 4, so i shall forget to cry:)

Wellz, ogl camp went great!! Hehz so happy that i made it through interviews, it really meant alot to me. Kudos to jude n Inez who planned the games:) yupz enjoy ur trip to Taiwan kaez! Yupz, glad to have gotten to noe all of my cavelon members a little better, Tyrellus rox!! Tho the games were muddy, dirty, n slimy what with all the foodstuff, we bonded. Mass dance!! Yeah, love every second of it:) Haha, e 5 of us choir members/ogls r so onz we even practice during choir breaks:) (yes i noe must rest...but later!)

Finally met up with huiling n deb...after like wat seemed like eternity, heh will b going to deb's house tmr after church. yeah! So ironic eh, tt we spend more time together during sch then during the hols. Can't wait to c u guys n everyone else at sch next year.

Carolling season has started...i'm improving!! i think i really m!! yay, so they r right, miracles can happen during choral workshop n carolling season:) There wuz this really memorable moment when we were carolling n this lady in the audience looked really teary-eyed...ahhh, she made it all worthwhile. To touch someone with one's music...is such a beautiful thing.

Sighz, i think i will b missing the ogl meeting on the 30th, darn...so sad. Oh wellz.

Today, was pretty mundane...yupz, but i realized tt i actually enjoy cooking:) Heh, yupz i cooked both lunch & dinner today, not too bad, Dad wuz surprised i could actually cooked. Eh, don't mess:) Haha, but there wuz a time when i aspired to b a chef, must b all those episodes of the Naked Chef. I tried to do Art today...haiz, now i treat Art like homework, it's a real burden. Where did all the passion go? Everything is so transient nowadays...but i don't want to b a quitter. Yupz, so i shall juz do it & stop procrastinating so much...*sigh*

We talked alot at dinner, my Dad n I. About God mainly:) I have not enough will power to stay focus for long. I always tend to drift away... I think tt's my main weakness n my pride.

Enough said.