A bed of roses & their thorns

Another week come and gone...so fast eh? This year is zipping by and by. Soon I will be free, I think. That's of course juz a commonly perceived notion tt after tt milestone exam i can and will b free. Ah watever, I'm juz glad I'm not a guy.:P Sorry to all males out there.
Ah...will b sharing devotions next week. And honestly, i'm scared. I have an inkling of what I would like to share, but i haven't quite penned it down yet. I guess the reason for keep putting it off is because, I'm afraid it won't come out as how I want it to be or b as good as I hope for it to b. That's not right then, I mean this sharing is not abt self satisfaction or gratification. *sigh* furthermore, it's rather daunting to share with everybody...how strange, is not like public speaking is such a big deal. Furthermore I shd take heart that the Lord will grant me words and wisdom. I feel like Moses, I feel like telling Him tt I'm not worthy and I know not what to say or how to put His msg across to the people. Everybody seems to b so uninterested with what people have to say during devotions. It's really so silly, they can juz listen to at least gain a little insight on their self professed meaningless life, yet there has to be a constant parade of higher authorities on the look-out for people who really juz don't want to care.
Don't know why I'm scared. Maybe when i get my script written it won't be all tt daunting. But see, I really want it to mean something to people. I really hope tt the Lord will work through me so tt the msg can really make an impact. Of course I don't expect such radical changes, juz the thought of "hey...tt makes sense..." would be most encouraging:) So maybe because it's impt to me, hence I'm afraid to ruin tt chance. I wonder if all this thought abt self is wrong. So shd everything be left to God and I not care? That doesn't sound right either...maybe I will think it as more like a teamwork, partnership thing.
Anyway, I'm also pondering abt today's food for thought. What do I hope to achieve? All around me people r saying they really hate the present situation they are in, sometimes I agree, but something in me can never agree totally. Maybe it's because i hate hating any situation tt life brings me. Yupz. But yeah there are instances when I hatred is an understatement. So what do I hope to achieve from a hateful situation?? A friend told me tt there is a standard answer, we all hope to be the best that we can be blah blah blah...Yeah. So it's standard, it's simple as tt. What's is my best? Somehow, despite the fatigue and the effort, I don't really feel like it's my best...am I pushing myself too hard, or can I really give more.

Most common dialogues with people:
person: I'm so tired...
grace: yeah me too...
silence
grace: Haha...so what's new?

So there you have it. My most commonly felt sentiments, most commonly exchanged greetings. Fatigue is a common-ground for me now. I am tired, yet I think monotony is not my cup of tea. For is a life worth living if one had positively nothing to do, or not enough to do? Yet 'tis paradoxical tt I'm tired but it's something that I made a choice in having. Henceforth, it's but my own fault and I wld juz have to stop waddling in self-pity. Maybe, I'm a workaholic...tt's quite a discovery. But I hope, tt in the future...the busyness of everything will not blur out my ability to really live.
Oh dear...but I sound sad...yet I'm not. Fatigue doesn't equate to sorrow does it? So there. But...happy? I am positive, but happiness most of the time, is a forced choice and it's fleeting. Dualities. What is happiness? My perceived happiness. Desires. Maybe they will formulate themselves in the future and then the equation for my happiness will be complete. Maybe. My thoughts seem to be rather disjointed...sorry.
I have been thinking alot and digressing alot and experiencing alot this few weeks. I like it. Yet, some of these do hurt. Shouldn't think so much. Shouldn't be in the frontline so often...but carpe diem, let me live life to the fullest:) I do wonder why I am so sensitive nowadays. Oh yeah, I forget, it's the changing process.
One of the few things tt have enroached my thoughts nowadays is heaven. It's nice when like-minded friends are around me...we talk differently. It's a lovely feeling:) We say to each other, "see you there", whenever there is no time to meet while on Earth. We digress what it would be like over there. Daniel thinks we will sing forever there, happiness will be multiplied by manyfolds, perfection will be realised. I think heaven will be a lovely garden, with soft lush grass, thousands of times softer than the carpet grass in gardens. Walks will be frequent there with loved ones, than He will appear as one of us and say, "Hey, how's your day?" My mum says heaven is paved with gold. All along the streets. My father says tt in order to pass the gates you need a passport, which is Jesus Christ in one's heart and a password, which the holy spirit will whisper to you.
Haha, such digressions...I wonder if all of it will be as we, in our puny little human minds can conceive. But, i think in all our knowledge, we really know nothing. Still it's nice to think about it, to know that there is something more out there better than all these.
Monday beckons. I think I'm becoming more and more like Garfield:) The weekends are usually tainted with the knowledge of another monday.
So how are you? I would like to ask. How are the days coming along for you? I have just begun reading a fab book by Catharine Lim:) The opportunity cost of that is me neglecting my lit books. Return of The Native is painful. My class refuses to continue reading The Things They Carried upon realisation that the author was a 'liar' because it was a 'work of fiction', despite the repitition that the whole story is true. Poor ms j. Geog is becoming more tolerable. Still wish I had the courage to drop something.
So in case we don't ever meet again, which is highly probable. I hope you will find your happiness...and guess what, I will see you there anyways.

"Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a heaven in hell's despair."

So sung a little Clod of Clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet,
But a Pebble of the brook
Warbled out these metres meet:

"Love seeketh only Self to please,
To bind another to its delight,
Joys in another's loss of ease,
And builds a hell in heaven's despite."

*****
A lovely poem I stumbled across while reading. It connotes more than meets the eye...and speaks such truth I do feel of the love that so mystifies people of all walks of life:)

In one of my rare moments of positive emotions I shall say a few words lest people think I've truly fallen into a constant bout of melancholy:)Haha.
Happiness is a choice. How many times have we heard this phrase...it's not about external circumstances rather it's about making the choice to juz be happy and think positive. I mean, smile, and the world smiles with you. Furthermore, He has place eternity in our hearts! So I'll live for You...for You!
Yupz, choir party went really really great:) I had loads of fun manz. Ah...the games wuz so fun, and my group too!!! The Usheez...haha. Wierd name. Yes, yes, food wuz great, games wuz fun, people laughing like crazy and juz hanging loose:) And to think juz earlier in the day I didn't really feel like gg. I mean honestly, I wuz sick and for some strange reason feeling all moody and distant...the thought of being at a party juz didn't sound all tt inviting. But, but, I told myself, the more I say I don't feel like it and immerse myself in self pity and moodiness...the more terrible I will feel. So I figured, one ought to juz make a choice. I decided i wanted to juz forget abt my own negative emotions which seemed to make the world an uglier place, and focused on the fact tt I live not for myself. The Lord would definitely want to see me happy with what he has given to me.
Henceforth, praise God, I did have a great time.
Honestly, I feel strange typing such a happy entry, a sudden ray of light in the midst of pewter grayness...monotony...ok ok, stop it grace:) Heehee.
There, a short and sweet testimony of juz not putting oneself first but Him.

I think tt's the way it is right now...a sense of ambiguity, confusion...juz tt 3 dots to represent what I really feel right now. So tired...fatigue, haha what's new? There is always a destination tt we all work towards, tt goal, tt tomorrow...the next weekend, break etc. Always always having to get from one point to another, destinations destinations. So where do I go from here?
Everybody seems to waiting for something. People wait for the weekends to finally take a break...we all wait for tt one short hol. That's how we function, getting from here to there...but when it's over and done, we end up feeling a sense of loss, a sense of wishing we had treasure the present or the past more instead of hoping for the future. For what is a life tt constantly dreams of a better tomorrow when there is no joy in the present. I really believe in carpe diem.

What our contempts doth often hurl from us we wish it ours again.
How true how true...it's really silly tt we only seem to treasure things when we know we are going to lose it. I mean...i may feel tt life is tiring and trying but i'm sure if someone was to come and kill me now I prob not leave the room without a helluva fight...pardon my lang. But really I think the worse cases of murder is tt u noe u r gg to die and are juz unable to change tt fate. Maybe I will only treasure certain experiences in life when I know they are my few last sessions. I try not to adopt the mentality of thinking tt what I do is such a drag but it's very tough. I've got to admit tt I find myself sometimes juz drifting off into a place where I imagine myself in the future being happy doing what I want. So ironic though...we always imagine ourselves doing what we want in the future, but even if we do get what our heart's desire, we'll never be satisfied. Yupz, i speak from experience. I mean I have always loved art, and i figured if I took it as a subject tt wld be great...homework will be like a leisure to me, oh joy. But sigh, 'tis not always the case, with great ambition there is great responsibility...and for some strange reason, when u take something as a subject, a portion of tt passion seems to die with it.
Ah...whatever. I think I still do like some of the stuff tt I do, I'm juz tired so I'm procrastinating alot as usual. I think I know what I want to do in the future, haha so like everybody else in this narcissistic world, I will working towards that dream we all secretly harbour. Oh how disgusting, falling into the culture, falling into the abyss of self-indulgence which I know I will regret later on yet I know not how to save myself.

I always have much to say but am too lazy to switch on the com to type it all out. Nowadays, my thoughts drift here and there to a place far away...
So much to do, trying to say thank you every single day but finding it hard to even try. Trying not to sound too pessimistic but I know i fail every other second. Even as I speak, I know i shouldn't even be wasting my precious time in such a luxurious manner.
This year is passing so so fast. First 3 months have gone...reshuffling of classes for the juniors...the urgency and pressure increasing for us. I am happy, juz tt I can't be happy all the time. Or am I lying to myself? Maybe I have fallen but I am juz lying to myself each and every single day. I sit at the bleaches and think to myself...What a wonderful world. Then as the day begins the degeneration sets in. And worst of all is tt...mayb things only seemed better because he was around, then when that special someone disappears, the veil is only lifted to reveal something which bliss hid all this while.
And to think tt I scorn at such behaviour! For what sort of life is it to live pinning for a person? Besides living for God...one ought to be happy with the life tt he/she has without having to rely on a person for happiness!! That's really horrid...I never want such dependency on anyone.
Still... I can't believe I'm unable to forget. Part of me wants to let go and I wonder why I am so stubborn. Confusion sets in when feelings seem to thwart to another...then I ask why and I get no answer.
Sigh if only time can pass by more quickly. Maybe when the exams are over I will have a clearer view of who I am and what I ought to do with my life. Indeed, the main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing.

Main thing: Live for the Lord.

I feel horrid but I decided that it is silly to digress over how terrible i feel when it will only make me feel worse.
I know I'm not the only one tt feels this way...so I shouldn't immerge myself in self-pity. Ok but I juz have to speak of it a little...I think I have undertaken more than I can swallow, Im really tired. I ran 9 rounds around the track today to destress...it wuz tt bad:) Yup. I feel diff abt alot things. I dislike crowds nowadays...so I avoid the void alot...I juz feel like I have seen enough for my age...and what I see, really has cuz me to become so cold, maybe it's cause Im distancing myself and detaching myself from it all. My friends have noticed it...and I have feel it. It thoroughly disgusts me...that I have so much to live for, and I live for Him so shouldn't I embrace this life tt he has given to me? Why am I running away from it? It didn't use to be like this. I feel like Im running away...running away from the things tt i use to treasure so much in the past. See...people change. I don't like changes...for now.

Ok enough pessimism for one night...i want to sleep in peace. I will not ponder nor dwell on it anymore. So we change, big deal...there is always more to come so it's really no surprise. For who is constant but the Lord.

Haha, yes tt's why I think it's paradoxical tt i feel so crappy yet i want to indulge on happy thoughts:) Yupz...things tt will make me smile to expurgate the bad. Ah yes, the Sound of Music...will be gg to watch it soon:) How exciting! The experience of it all, I've never really watched a musical live...so can't wait:) Indeed...when one feels bad all one needs to think of is their fave things:) So what do I like?
I like brown paper packages tied up in string, I like handwritten letters, lime green beetle voldswagen(nissan also has this series tt looks so cute)!!! I like rainy days, the smell of the earth after a drizzle, actually storms are also nice. I like chocolates, holidays, tango, salsa and jitterbugs...I like bookshops, libraries, the silence tt exists. I like sausage dogs:) kittens, when my fave song comes on the radio. I like autumn, history(but not exams), smiles that are genuine, kind words tt mean something:) I like coffeehouses, jelita memphis music store! Haha...I like old books with yellowing pages, night jogs, sand and waves btw my toes:) I like silver, giftshops, quaint towns in Europe...trenchcoats, gowns in English schools:) Yet, chinese orchestras are lovely as well...sigh...so many things to like and love. I can go on forever. And forever in thought I will...for tho i cannot pen everything down, this i shall hold in my mind 'til I slip into peace and slumber...