A bed of roses & their thorns

The more one studies the more one realises that one is dead. I should not even b here typing this...the op cost of my time spent here is rather high...but oh well, it's friday so I guess i can cut myself a little slack.
I have never felt more hopeless before. The fact is i really think im gg to fail everything except hopefully art. At the rate im gg...im far from being prepared for the prelims. Wow. SO my goal is to get all Ds. Yeah and if i want to aim high...Cs. So...because what u hope to get usually falls short of what u actually get...im really quite dead.
Ok im gg to deviate from prelims for a while...i wuz juz thinking abt time. How beautiful it is. Haha...juz tt sitting down at the void deck and having milo for muggers made me think abt last year when i did not have the supposed "right" to partake of such welfare:p but now i have:) It's strange but all the traditions that exist make me feel older...i saw it from a junior's perspective but now i see from a senior's perspective...I mean, now i have the right to stay back and eat the dinner provided at school, i will see the baccaluereate service in a diff way, c honours nite in a diff way c i dunno...teacher's day in a diff way. Mayb it's cause...it's my last year so i get all sentimental.
Yeah, time is juz so incredible, it really changes the way one see's things. What eludes me is that some things still seem to stick to you no matter how long it has been. I thought it would be easy to forget with time...but it's harder than expected, and when i reflect and think back, im surprise at how intact and whole the memories are. I don't think i have gone completely numb at the thought of those times...the old feelings do seem to remind me of what and who im waiting for.
Of course there were many a times when i thought i had forgotten it all, when confusion sets in...or when i juz think it's silly anywayz. But it is. I don't think it is...but from a 3rd person perspective i really cannot comprehend nor give any rational explanation why i feel the way i feel.
Mama mia. Mama mia. I juz want to faint. you know when u get so tired u juz want to faint...and u wish u could so that u can take a break in the hospital. Sometimes in school while walking around i wish i could juz collapse so i can blackout and forget the worries for a while. Sometimes i get this morbid fantasies of getting knocked down by a moving vehicle....right. Ok sorry for freaking some people out but im so out of it today so u can see the irrational thinking and all.
Ah yes my humble abode beckons...actually my room with a desk crammed full of notes...yeah so yupz despite all the terribly negative thoughts...i have not given up hope yet:)
So let me quote from josie's msn nick as a reminder to us that we're not really so dead:Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus. Hebrews 12:1-2

I juz finished my gp essay:D That's a relieve. Ok so all that's left is this mountain of revision to do:) Haha, but let's not dwell on THAT. I have more depressing issues to speak abt!! The Corrine-may concert at the esplanade is sold out!! Argh...i wuz too slow:( But i really really want to go and watch her. So if anybody has a ticket to spare i will gladly pay for it:) Please? Sigh I really can relate to her lyrics. They speak so much, almost all that i want to say. About love, about God, about life. Everything. Darn. I wish i could go and watch her sing live. Currently, 'Little Superhero Girl' is the song that is on repeat mode for me, i like the upbeat tune, despite my preferred taste for more melancholic songs:) Reflect on the rather interesting lyrics and let it assuage your need to break free from this intangible pain of stress.

L I T T L E    S U P E R H E R O    G I R L
written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 2003,  Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world
Everybody wants a piece of me
And I just don't know where to turn
I've got work piled up to my head
All I want to do is jump into bed
And wash away my troubles
with lemonade
Play hide and seek
with the boy next door
Take a trip to Singapore and
Imagine how I'll make the world
a better place

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-
Yeah

If I were a little girl
Trying to clean up the whole wide world
I'd kick the bad boys back to school
Teach them fighting's just not cool
I'd give every kid a teddy bear
Turn starving people into millionaires
Break glass ceilings with dynamite
sprinkle a little sugar and spice
Turn the bullies that terrorize
Into pink poodles that bark,
but don't bite

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small
All I need is a secret weapon
I've gotta have faith
Zapping monsters into outer space
I'm gonna be a Superhero

Na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-
Yeah

Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me
Little Superhero Girl
Little Superhero Girl
Save me from myself

I feel like a little girl
Trying to conquer the whole wide world

Thank you everybody from the batch of 04/05. I really want to remember today...i really really want to, it's juz so great tt we are all making the effort to gather together and all:) Appreciate it much, esp when prelims are so near. I felt so compelled to stand up and say something today, but i thought i shall juz listen to what others have to say instead. So now since i have a chance to really say all tt i have to U guys i will..(sorry joey if this is too long an entry).

This year has been a crazy year...there were many a times when i thought about quitting and regretted why i didn't in the end. Sometimes i questioned God as to why he put me here. Then i see all you guys and i feel like i know why im here. I really love you guys alot lah... i mean indeed when we suffer together we grow and bond even closer together. I think we have grown so much you know... to think that we never even knew each other when we first came and now...and now we have shared memories. Memories that we can share together. You guys made it all better lah. And to think that i thought choir was juz a cca...i never thought i would leave finally understanding the joy of true friendship. I think it's through you guys that i finally learnt the true essence of friendship. I'm juz grateful that we had a chance to sing together, to laugh and celebrate together and of course to cry and fight on together. So now, as we stop having a reason to meet up every wednesdays and saturdays, I hope we will be able to still make an effort to meet up juz as we did today at Alex's house(thanx loads lex!) Haha, i had so much fun basking in everyone's presence I didn't want to leave:)

SO we finally finished one chapter of this gruelling year. The first part of this roller coaster ride has come to an end...the next leg would be our studies. Let's relieve good old (unproductive) times of studying at the void...haha haiz let's juz not forget this. Remember all that talk abt the chalet?? yes i dun care DL we are gg to organise it and make every one of them come!! Haha promises are hard to keep but i promise to try to keep them!!! Anywayz yeah lah i promise to upload all our photos!! yes. Soon soon. I will!

To Teachers: Thank you for helping find my voice, i never knew i had it in me to sing like that and today made me feel so happy to see how much i have grown and matured as a singer. Thank you for instilling in us the values that you hold dear to your hearts. I really appreciate the lessons that you all pass down to us, telling us to give off our best and have integrity to the music and emphasize on the friendships made. I understand now:)

To fellow sops: Thank you sl for being the pillar that holds us together i know it's not an easy job. Thanx fellow sops for making me feel better when we are all singing that ultra high note that is like super soft, cuz we all do it together. Love u rachael,jamie,gina,cass,geow,dhar,dawn,usha,caroline,michelle,joanne khew,joyce!

To altos: I love the 3 of you. So strong eh...only 3 yet can kick ass all the way through! Love u mindy, chua and jo!

To tenors: Hello fellow pseudo sops, and founders of the sop fan club. Haha, we have great times together as sopten and for yeah being such a great bunch of guys to hang out with:) Love u Joey, LL, Su, anthony, ernest and lex!

To basses: Thanx for supporting the sops throughout the song:) Yes we are supposed to be the icing and u guys the base(hur hur no pun intended). Thanx for being "The Men" in our lives:) (Of course that includes the tenors as well) Love u all DL,handy man,ber,josiah,karno,tatt,siong luong and of course mr owen tan!

Haha hope to see most of u guys tmr at mep concert:)

I juz received the choir tour cd which documents our entire trip into a kaleidoscope of memories frozen in time. Er ok...ie, photos lah. Sigh...i guess i did not really expound on my feelings towards those moments and that period of time. Seeing it flashing all over again...brings back a smile on my face. I guess...those moments...i should have fully enjoyed and immerse myself in them because they will never be again. I wish i did. I wish i really took it in and fully and totally immersed myself into every single moment there was to experience during that period of time.
I rmb cass telling me on the cruise, she was enjoying herself so much she wanted to totally take everything in and juz bask in this knowledge of being...i for one didn't know why, but i wuz taking it as an everyday thing...It juz wuz like that lor to me at that time. I wuz having fun...but i juz didn't know how to fully be transcended into that moment. So strange. I couldn't. I knew it would be a regrettable thing if i didn't really make the most of my time, but I juz didn't really thought it would be absolutely neccessary.
I think i will never forget that announcement. That announcement at the square. Even at certain times, it still reverberates in my head and i would slowly whisper it to myself(complete with the cool accent and everything). While looking at all those pics, us cheering like xiao kias(mad kids), again i heard the announcement and tried to summon up the feeling again. The feeling of sheer euphoria. Euphoria. I have experienced it a few times before:) That special feeling, though transient is worth the pain that comes with or before it, that somewhat complements it.
Haiz. I have lost that sensitivity to my surroundings. I'm too concerned with the inner events occuring within me, my moods, my thoughts, my 'demons' that lurk in me. It's always me. How disgustingly self-indulgent, equivalent to that of Eustacia Vyes. Bleagh...tho she is quite an exciting character...To always be so wrapped up in that big me, is so tiring. And it hinders the experience one is gg through by limiting one's sensitivity to rest of the world. I will learn to take it all in. To see beyond self, then mayb I will be able to experience that joy in everything that comes my way.

Haiz this whole week has been tiring. Woah...so very much to do im really overwhelmed. I'm letting some things go gradually but looking at the amount of things left to do is still quite daunting. The memory verse that keeps me gg is from Philippians if im not wrong:P "Don't be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and peitition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." Amen.
Yeah. so tired. Hurhur...in one of those rare moments i managed to catch up with a fren during our recess. I know i know we are in the same sch but so what? It can still be hard to meet up with friends and really sit and talk and bask in the friendship & fellowship. So yeah...i really treasure precious moments like this:) Anyway this past few days i have been feeling rather low. The feeling of discontentment i guess...it's like sometimes as human beings, one finds it so hard to see the heart of the Lord. Things don't go according to will...then as time goes by you begin to accept where you are because you know it's by his perfect will. You may not love it initially but you try to deal with it...i don't know...sometimes i feel like im juz trying to compromise with God. Like ok fine you don't give me this...i will try to settle with that. Of course there are times when i think i see the light! And i tell Him, "Yes God, now i know, now i see why you put me here!" Of course there are those times when the gg gets tough or you juz start to envy one's neighbour's situation...so i go, "Excuse me God? Excuse me?"

Haha yeah...really the both of us felt exactly like tt. Exactly like that. I was quite surprise that we shared the same sentiments at the same time, but abt diff matters of course. Sigh. I wish things went my way sometimes... im sure...well quite sure i would have been happy if it did. Or...maybe not. I don't know. The choices that I make in life, are not bad...so why not my way? If it was something really detrimental to me then i can understand why He won't let me have it, but it isn't. oh dear... but that was my past feelings lah. I think im fine now.

Haha...the perfect example of a mood swing; the madness of fluctuating emotions. Oh wellz...I guess i ought to trust lah. I am sure that i will see the light (that will last and not juz a flicker) eventually, why reality seems to detour from my precedent plan.

Behind that side of a person lies a multitude of other facets and faces. It's not a facade, that's different. A facade is when people put up a fake front, it's just that at times you know it's you but you realise that you behave differently with various groups of people. I used to think there wuz something wrong with such behaviour but I guess that's juz normal, for one to bring forth more strongly a particular aspect of him or herself as compared to other aspects. It's not that the person is trying to be somebody else, it's juz part of him or her to behave as such. See, so there is no one side of a person, one has many many multiple faces. So is that like wearing a mask? But what if one doesn't realise that one is changing 'faces' when they are in diff crowds and feels at total ease with oneself? So is there such a thing as a facade? Fakeness?

Maybe a facade is when a front is created for a particular intent...fakeness is still a subject of contention...who can define whether one is fake or not. It could be in that person's nature to behave in a certain way and people might perceive him or her to be fake. False accusations.

Sigh, but i agree that with constancy breeds complacency. With people who I know will always be there for me i take for granted most of the time, hence I don't treat them as well as people who may leave me depending on the situation. Which of course brings much pain and regret to my heart, for if they are gg to be there for me always, shouldn't I treat them way way better than the transient people in my life? Haiz. yeah lah we take things for granted. I know I'm always gg to wake up and see my parents everyday. I know my sis will be at home when I get back from school. Sometimes I don't even notice them as much as I notice my friends. I mean there are times when one does notice and read into people to see what their feelings or moods are at that pt of time...but I don't really bother when it comes to family.

A friend wuz saying that we don't bother with reading our family members cuz we know that at home, that is the most basic way of behaviour for all of us, whereas outside the home, we know that it's public so the public figure will arise in all of us and we tend to be more wary...so we read into people's actions and words.

Phew, thank goodness for the home. Truly, when we get tired of people judging us it's nice to know that there is somewhere where people don't try to read you and are totally themselves. I juz realise that I don't treasure what I know will always be there. My gosh, i really have grown quite complacent. If tomorrow never comes haha...I will regret not giving as much as I should...

Addiction...yet sometimes you need to get away from being with people for a while. Oh no Daniel I'm beginning to sound like you! Haha. I find it fascinating the human psychology...so complex and beautiful. The extent and capacity we have never ceases to amaze me. We need each other yet we need to do without each other. Independence vs Dependency. Ok ok, I'm seriously gg around in circles...nobody prob gets what im digressing about now.

Ok main point is...don't try to judge, because you probably don't know that person very well anywayz, no matter if you think you do cuz you prob don't. People are too complex for their own minds to grasp.