A bed of roses & their thorns

Ah sigh, i have alot to expound on to say and who will listen? We read an article for Gp earlier this week by James Burton, very interesting...one of the things he mentioned was that in modern society, the only constant is change. How true. Haha...I really seem to be quite intrigued by this issue on change, always harping on it. But oh well, don't you think it's true? The only constant now is change...everything is ever changing. People change, things change, feelings fluctuate constantly...notions, ideals, hopes and dreams...everything changes, morphs and sometimes even mutate.
I don't know if I welcome change. It's hard to say. I think i do yet maybe not, for sad to say i prob have morphed into one of those rigid minded singaporeans who mostly embrace routines in life. I would feel wierd if i didn't go school for one day. Im not kidding...haha. Oh my, im scaring myself:)
Anywayz...sigh. It's quite sad that I have grown rather sad, melancholic and pessimistic these few days. Of course, there is the Lord that is like a Northern Star in my life of darkness...but nevertheless...I feel tt it's hard to feel the rush of freedom anymore. I was walking in the drizzle to the bus stop today and i heard the laughter of some students. The high-pitched giggles and chatters seemed so foreign to me. I wonder wherefore hath it gone? And as i walked home a thousand thoughts raced through my mind which became a mass of blur...and i knew i think i've had enough.
Haha...not even halfway through the year and already, my heart longs to be free. I dislike this. I know that when we have something, we don't treasure it neither do we enjoy it sometimes...but when it's not meant for us...we long for it. That's juz immensely disgusting...where is my past self that would be thankful for the present, I seem to really dislike this sudden change.
Of course, my flux in mood is everchanging henceforth, there are times when i am thankful for the things that i have...and the things that i don't i juz can only hope:)
Why are there a thousand and one books you want to read when you know you have lit books to pore through?? Why are there so many shows tt seem so worth watching when you have homework to plough through? Why is there so much to talk about to friends when you study?? Sigh. And when it's all over...i prob won't want to do anything but juz vegetate.
I don't know if I like change occuring in myself...what if there comes a day when I don't recognise myself anymore... what if the things that i believe in I stop holding onto them anymore...will there come a day when my feelings will also change? Maybe...but that's for tomorrow to decide cuz today hasn't change all that yet:)
Yet...i have to admit it's not easy to stop loving. Is it silly then to be constant in love? So when we speak of love in the romantic sense...does the same theory of change being the only constant, apply?

It's been a long time since i've come back to the Lord in terms of infilling of the spirit, to give him first place in my heart and to juz really rededicate my life to him as a living sacrifice. Really, whatever cynicism or negative emotions tt i had in me seems to have been replaced by a great sense of purpose and eagerness to serve the Lord and live for him.
I pray tt this will be the sort of attitude i have every single day. For indeed, what's better than being in the presence of the Lord...haha people reading this now will prob think tt im on one of those (as what cass calls them) 'emotional highs', but hey it's good to experience this sort of joy even if it's only one day in ur life...to live for Him seems so much more meaningful than to live for oneself. I am ashamed to say there were countless of times when i get sucked into the world's ideal of narcissism, the loving of oneself sometimes over-rides the love for God! Go ahead say whatever you want, do whatever you pls, as long as it makes you happy. But the spirit convicts one and hence it's really hard to get away scott-free as how the world promises. Ah...i get no joy living for myself, i get no joy saying and doing whatever i want and contradicting my identity as a Christian.
Well it's hard to live for him, but as we celebrate Easter...to be reminded of His death tt gave us life...i think it's worth tt we suffer this little pain tt life brings. I once read this book, Joy Luck Club, and wuz really moved by the portion of when a mother sacrificed her life to give her daughter a stronger spirit and more courage to live. It really spoke to me...hey tt's like Jesus who died for me...gave me a hope to live strong for Him:) So my life is accounted to Him...it's like saying to God, "Hey i owe you one...i owe you big time."
Yeah i have fallen many times...it really takes conscious effort to live for Him, but it's really worth it. Yupz to live a life that is edifying to the Lord...his friendship is really the only thing tt can satisfy. But of course don't be selfish...share it to everyone else, tt they may see it too this joy, Lord give me courage to serve, boldly.

That is my theme for Art. The project tt we are supposed to work with for almost the whole year. I guess i chose it cause the issue of maturation does fascinate me. Changes are always taking place whether we like it or not and growing up, crossing over, is juz another facet of life.
I think I have changed alot in my way of looking at things and my feelings towards certain issues. It's a possiblility tt maturation has taken place, and still is gradually. I'm being moulded and shaped as a person and as Christian. Sometimes though growth can be strange...one can still revert back to one's original state even after a period of growth. Haha...I think entering into jc does mark a change...in fact the difference in j1 and j2 to me is quite stark. Suddenly i've a panoramic view of what's before me and when i mention certain things tt i've noticed to friends they go, "yeah we knew tt a long time ago". I wonder what took me so long then to see what they saw. It's as if...J1 wuz a year of fluff...of seeing things in a positive light, finding joy in the simple things and being all idealistic. Then in J2...the cynicism starts to set in, and things juz turned uglier.
I used to feel very thankful for the friends that i meet at diff stages of my life. It didn't really affect me whether or not it could be maintained...i knew how to move on. But now, I feel sad that whenever we move on, we meet the new but sometimes we forget the old. Again im touching on the subject of transiency. I think I have this great fear for things tt do not last. That's because now i do see the futility in it all, to invest so much only to find tt it will not last anyway, or to see that others involved don't treasure it as much as you do. So why give? Indeed it's at times like this when i think it's better to be alone... But of course, my thoughts will once again revert back to trying to be positive...one should invest more into the relationship with the Lord, for he really is the only one true friend. Of course friendships and relationships tt has the bond with the Lord will also last forever, it's a tripartite.
Forget it, i really think it's selfish of me to keep wanting to receive something whenever i give. For isn't it more of a joy to give than to receive. Then freely i shall give to others and freely receive from the Lord!
After experiencing this stage of life...i wonder what the next will hold...and so on...Haha, does maturation bring about cynicism? For i do sense many having tt sort of attitude towards life and people. I feel weary of the world and her constant ramblings. Indeed, it's also through growth tt i now know why i feel so dissatisfied with the world and what she has to offer. I don't belong here...when one day i do leave after fulfilling my purpose. I shall leave with no regrets.
But i will also live with no regrets and perform this task onto the Lord.

This few days have really been a rollercoaster ride. Fluctuations, elevations and pitfalls. Im listening to Soleram now:) One of the songs we are learning and it's beautiful. I know it means lullaby...but im not sure if it's a one or a love song. Haha...I really think i have fallen in love with music all over again. It's juz tt all the immersion and i dunno... the sudden awareness i have for it has created in me a new sort of feeling towards it.
I caught Les choristes last sat:) Yes it's the typical feel good movie with the same tried and tested formula but but...it's still juz as charming. So if any of you have time go rent the dvd or something. Very lovely french songs too:)
Hmmm...like i said, there were pitfalls experienced. Juz last night i felt as if i wuz being dragged into an abyss...it's difficult to carry on when people closest to you stop believing in you. Words said tt still linger on and yeah...though it has past...forgetting it is another story.
I dunno if I really want to anymore...im juz too tired to keep fighting for myself all the time...it's tiring. Mayb He is saying not now, but later. I wonder why You always tell me that. It's not fair!
Ok...now i sound childish.
But it's never fair.
I think we should all live with tt
If life gives us lemons...
we make pink lemonade:) Haha(yes, pink cuz yellow is boring.)

Last day of the term...which marks a week of semi-quasi-break thingy. Too much work to do and worry abt for it to be actually called a break. Went out for lunch then the rest of e choir wanted to watch Hitch...but wasn't interested so i whiled my time away in the library.
I wonder why is it people have inhibitions, ok mayb im generalizing...i noe of a few reckless individuals, but apart from them...sigh i think we all have a limit we set for ourselves. I definitely have this thing tt stops me from doing things tt i want to and follow my heart. Take for eg, the selection of books in the library today...i had to borrow books for Art, but i desperately wanted to borrow other books esp novels...plus the thought of the lit books lying in my drawer waiting to be ploughed through stopped me. I felt so...suppressed. Haha. Because i wanted to but i knew i couldn't. Of course i could juz go ahead and lead the hedonistic lifestyle, not really bothering the consequences of enjoying the present...but no, i dun think i want to regret.
Then on the way home, on the bus, i spied a group of boys playing soccer on the deserted field...and i wondered what would they do if i went over and started playing with them. Haha. Of course...tt's juz another strange sudden desire, to not care and do as i want. They looked so happy and free...despite that the goalpost, it being juz an acid orange wooden fence, fell on top of the goalkeeper, they still cont, playing. There wasn't even enough people. No rules, no uniform, no inhibitions tt i always seem to have.
Not tt i have anything against uniforms of course:) On contrary, I quite wonder what will life be without tt ever reliable outfit tt i can wear everyday without a care. Haha, so ironic tt uniforms are seen to be a form of restriction, when really doesn't it help to lessen our load of decisions...whether or not tt outfit looks ok, or does this look better...
Sigh...i wish i won't keep saying tt i will do all tt i ever want after the As...maybe it's juz a jc thing...the As is some sort of milestone and we have to work towards it like mad...everything else can wait. But see, i still want to live. I don't think life will be anymore better or worse after the As...i think it's juz my mindset. The common laments of "oh, u can do this after the As...", "after the As you can learn this, do tt, relax..." blah blah...so sad. I can't do all tt now? Actually after an honest assessment, i really don't think i can do all tt now. So...sad. But i really refuse. Something in me juz refuses to stop listening to my heart.
I will one fine day...take a train or a bus...and go to wherever i FEEL like. juz dropping off wherever i pls, no plans nothing. I will not carry anything except the neccessities like wallet and phone. No bag, no dratted load behind me...juz me, moi, myself...on that train stoning...and when i hear a name of the station tt i like, i will alight and take a walk around tt vicinity. Ha.
Yes...and i will learn to drive and then i will drive around aimlessly...and get lost. Then...then...sigh. Whatever, I think im too stressed. Indeed, haha, the past few nights i've experienced the strangest dreams: Being in the speeding car, running around madly in school and then in shopping centres; staring at a dead lizard with Chua(seriously wierd) and having ec with hasshim ali repeating the ans to one of the drq questions (it's increasing at a decreasing rate...it's increasing at a decreasing rate)...
ok...ok im still breathing:) And today wuz a nice breather for me. So...yes indeed i will do all tt i mentioned...as soon as i have the time to waste...which will of course be after i kick A-levels butt. Haha.

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down
There’s no one here
[there’s no one here, there’s no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there’s no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[one lonely star you don’t know who you are]

Chorus:

I’ve always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you’ve always known it’s true [you know it’s true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you’re breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[just make ’em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you’re one lonely star
[one lonely star and you don’t know who you are]

(chorus, repeat)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the story’d go
How was I to know you’d break
[you’d break, you’d break, you’d break]
You’d break my heart

I’ve always been in love with you
[I’ve always been in love with you]
Guess you’ve always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

(chorus)

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye
*****
Today wuz a day filled with a maelstrom, whirlwind of emotions...juz torrents...surrounding and engulfing the whole school. Oh my...i wuz totally sucked into the tension of things. Apart from the release of Chinese As, there wuz also the moment of truth...The a-level results. I wonder what will be the feeling when I finally graduate and sit where the J3s are sitting now...I prob wld go quite mad, considering tt I wuz already nervous on their behalf. Indeed, the hall tt afternoon became a cistern of tension and excitement... the announcement of the top student triggered a frantic rush for the cameras to capture his special moment...(we were like, wow paparazzi manz). It wuz really something. Glad to see the happy faces, the grins embodying such satisfaction and joy...the hugs and the thanks given in gratitude. Not forgetting the crazy shrieks and screams tt further intensified the mood, and brought a smile on my face, i think i will do juz tt, if i do as well as i hope to:) Of course, there was the other side of the picture...i saw one in tears of disappointment, and tt brough much sorrow to my heart, for indeed i can understand tt sort of pain. I heard the discouraged voices of those who didn't achieve their expectations. *sigh* Expectations is a cruel yet great thing. I guess in everthing there is the good and bad. When you hope for too much and push oneself to achieve tt hope, the disappointment tends to be greater when one falls. Yet, without any expectation for oneself...then life wouldn't be very challenging. But, it really does feel terrible when you don't meet ur own expectations, no matter what others say...even if they feel it's not as bad as you think, you know it can't make you feel better cuz you have let yourself down.
Ok...so tt pretty much wraps up the remainings of last year. I sincerely hope and pray tt no matter what the results may show for...and even if one doesn't do as well as one could hope for, tt the Lord will show you the way and give you peace:)

Anywayz, I wuz on my way home listening to the lovely song above, Take A Bow:) It wuz the first pop song I heard when I wuz little...along with How Deep is Your Love...sigh brings back good memories. Haha, not tt i can remember much:) Yupz...i think i have mentioned this b4...i like sad songs...there wuz even this strange period of time when i liked feeling melancholic...ok drifting. Art's night went great. I had so much more fun this year than last year. Really, good stuff, so proud of cass and the rest of the art's council for putting it together. Wow, and peds you can actually Bhangra...im impressed! And ll, you have a lovely tenor voice:) Wouldn't mind 'dueting' with u again:)

Ah wellz...as the song connotes, The show is over, say goodbye....

We were having one of those chats again, Jem and I, seriously I think human beings are very difficult to understand. I cannot understand how some people can behave so differently one moment prior to the the first. Why? It's like they don't treasure the potential of a friendship being able to be formed, are they too busy to notice or wuz it juz a mask being worn at tt time to make life easier, then when they enter back into their comfort zones...everything is juz forgotten. I find it such a pity really, tt some people really put in effort to maintain what is there and others...they juz throw it all away. I know people change, it juz scares me tt people can change so fast in such a short period of time. It makes me distrust people...and I hate tt feeling, honestly, I don't think I have seen this before...until recently. Im so naive...really the more people u know, the more disappointed you get. I really am grateful of course to God for those tt i can trust and call friends. Really, even simple things(for it is the little things tt count), like waving and saying 'hi', can either make or break the relationship...it can give either a lovely feeling or a bitter aftertaste...Lovely, when the person gives a reassuring grin or smile and acknowledges tt friendly gesture. Bitter, when the person sees you but walks right past...or gives a half-hearted form of greeting. Ouch.
It makes one think: Oh gosh...do i owe you a living or what. It may seem really silly to harp over such trifles, but im a person who looks at the details. So the small things do count!! Imagine, how the person at the receiving end will feel at having encountered such a rude person...it will leave a bad impression, leading to nasty perceptions...and really once bitten twice shy...and hence, the potential of a friendship forming is lost. *sigh* is it pride of the human heart? It thoroughly disgusts me...and sometimes even I feel quite afraid of the instability in it all...the calculations of whether or not the risk of a greeting is worth the end results...will it be uplifting or will it put me down?
Anywayz, tmr will be the releasing of the 'A's...all the best! Urgh...and we will be getting back Chinese. *sigh* oh dear, Im scared...hopefully I can get what I hope for and not do too badly...but im sure it will all work out in His perfect plan. Henceforth, no worries...come what may...come what may.