A bed of roses & their thorns

The lights around me shrouds me not from the isolation I suddenly feel. I'm sorry. Sorry for the way I've made it Lord. I try, but fail everytime. I love nights, I love rainy days, they have a thought invoking effect on me. I seem to be so much more poignant then on usual days.
I thought i wuz right, but now, maybe I'm wrong. I wish somebody can teach me how to live for Him whole-heartedly. Is there such a thing as a good and bad Christian? So how do you judge them? But I thought we shdn't judge. I think...I dunno, i juz always feel so busy. I had a fren tt once said, there is no such thing as free time for God. Argh...tt is so right. There isn't free time for God because we can't juz give him e unwanted time right? We gotta make time for Him, juz as he made time for us...to come down to Earth tabernacled in flesh and blood. He made time, to die for us, so why oh why haven't I made time to live for Him...
My heart is like tt of cluttered field, I do embrace whatever I learn from God, yet the distractions of the world oft pull me away yet again...*sigh* Distractions. Excuses. When will there come a day when I can stand proudly in front of my Father and proclaim tt I m a Christian and His daughter? That indeed, I'm living for Him and not for myself.
Lord, honestly I'm lost for words. I can only say I'm sorry, and pray tt U will strengthen me to be more sensitive to Ur voice oh Lord, tt I may do Ur will:) Praise God tt Ur mercies are new every morn' so I can always have a hope to start afresh with U once small.

And so here marks the closure of the fourth wk of school. Wow, time flies. This wk wuz pretty rough, a whole series of events tt either lifted me up or tore me down to the darkest abyss. But ultimately I am thankful to be able to know this life of mine. It's really amazing how contradictory one's moods can vary from time to time. Ah wellz but this wk wuz good, still the same amt of work, but I have gotten my tots straightened out now. I have a better sense of what I want in life, I shall try my best to carry out my plans.
Indeed, nowadays, doing things tt I want is really impossible. Doing things tt I need is the inevitable. I wish I have more time to focus on juz one thing at a time, but nope, at this point it's all abt multi-tasking. Doing something and planning abt the next step. Mayb it's because I'm such a control freak. But seriously, how can I sit down and focus on reading Empire of The Sun, when I noe I have an A2 painting to finish and an Econs essay on National Income!!! Anyway, I have finally decided to learn to focus. I shall have joy in whatever I do. Amen.
Yupz, and today I exercised tt decision. Went to take photos of cathedrals today at victoria st. Despite tt I really think tt travelling there wuz a huge waste of time and energy, I wanted to juz live for the moment and enjoy my little tour ard the vicinity. It wuz rather lovely to tell the truth. Read Empire of The Sun on the bus...still on chpt 8, I'm quite dead.
Ah wellz. Like I said, this wk wuz quite something. Thanx to all those who wuz always there for me, for frens who really understand. And Lord, give me strength to learn to forgive and forget. It's gonna be hard to pretend tt nothing ever happen...and well, I dun think I really want to forget...I'm still tt tad bit indigant.
Oh yes, and thank u all for e kind words. Thanx mr photography man...but I'm still not sure if I will make it through...let's see wat God has in mind:)

Ah...not only my physical being is heavy with many tasks but so is my heart heavy with much mixed emotions. I did tell all tt I have to say to U Lord, pray tt U will help me in my time of such great confusion and hopelessness tt I actually feel glad to start the wk of school again, for in all it's madness of deadlines and lessons, I find comfort to bury all other distractions. Indeed, I think routine is my only escape from the mundane-ness of all my silly brooding.
Today wuz really bad. I did cheer up reasonably for some moments but ended up steeped in melancholy again...indeed a life without hope is a life not worth living. Who really cares anyway, nobody genuinely cares abt anybody but themselves. It's so ironic tt with the intentions of protecting a person from getting hurt one causes a person to be hurt thru the advice given. 'Tis the pain of hopelessness. Lord do U see my silent prayers, my silent tears tt doth fall behind closed doors when I'm all alone in e lonely lonely nights. I sometimes imagine myself cling onto You oh Lord in desperation refusing to let go. I wonder sometimes why I feel such pain, when in fact I am happy...strange, but I don't understand all the madness of fluctuating emotions.
*sigh* Lots of pple think ey noe me but how can they when I don't even think I know myself nor my rash tendencies tt wld prove dangerous during my lowest points. I wld prob regret saying this but yeah I have tot of ending it all. Judge me if you want. I don't say it with pride just with honesty. Who has never tot of ending it all in death anyway? It's really so easy esp with the freedom of choice. I exercise tt free will...but then again I will have to face the consequences. Which comes back to what Deb said...how can it be free will when we have to face the consequences in the end?
I really want to have hope but something in me has already died. Died. Hopefully this is only one of my low points tt wld eventually amount to nothing. Haha. Haha.

Yet yet, I cannot stop myself from believing tt U will be my source of strength, even when pple disappoint and fail me as I do to them, Lord pray U will not leave me. *sigh* Lord......

Kremlin Dusk (by Utada Hikaru)
All along I was searching for my Lenore,
And the words of Mr. Edgar Allen Poe.
Now I'm sober and nevermore
Will the raven come to bother me at home?

Calling you, calling you home
You-u, calling you, calling you home...

By the door you said you had to go.
Couldn't help me any-any more.
This I saw coming long before,
So I kept on staring out the window.

Calling you, calling you home
You-u, calling you, calling you home...

I am a natural entertainer.
Aren't we all holding pieces of dying ember?
I'm just trying to remember who I can call
Who can I - I - I - I call?

Ohhh! Calling you, calling you

I run a secret propaganda.
Aren't we all hiding pieces of broken anger.
I'm just trying to remember who I can call
That I - I - I can...

Born in a world of opposite attracion,
Or is it or is it a natural conception.
Torn by the arms in the opposite direction,
So is it, or is it a modernist reaction.

Born in a world of opposite attraction,
Or is it or is it a natural conception.
Torn by the arms in the opposite direction,
So is it, or is it a modernist reaction.

Is it like this? Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins, is it like this?
Do you like this? Were you always the same?
Will you come back again? Do you like this?
(Background)Born in a world of opposite attraction,
Torn by the arms in the opposite direction,
Born in a world of opposite attraction,
Torn by the arms in the opposite direction,
So is it, or is it a modernist reaction...

Is it always the same,
And will you come back again?
Do you like this?
Oh, do you like this?

Is it like this? Is it always the same?
If you change the phone numbers, would you tell me?
(Background)Born in a world of opposite attraction,
Or is it or is it a natural conception.
Torn by the arms in the opposite direction,
So is it, or is it a modernist reaction...

Is it like this? Is it always the same?
When a heartache begins, is it like this?
If you like this, will you remember my name?
Will you play it again, if you like this?

*****
I need a drink from Lethe, to forget, to live...no no it's not tt bad. I juz have so much to do, there goes my fri...ka-pish. No holiday for me. Mr Prince is right, J1 is like Egypt where there is much merry-making and joy...J2 is like Rome, abound by duties and resposibilities. *sigh* I have so many essays to write and so much art to do and so many tests to study for...yet Lord Lord You will be my strength.
Time for an update...the juniors juz came in yest...the sound wuz alright. Really...I thought we sounded ok, but it does make a diff, the size of a choir. The sound seems much fuller. It wuz rather intimidating tho, so many juniors to so few of us, I felt like a little island while I sang my part...all the other J2s were so far away! So anywayz, Sat is the welcome tea...i wonder how many will turn up. Glad to see a few peeps from Fuliminos:)
Will have sji on sat:) Haha...we will be nice boring seniors...no ketchup, no dunking into pools and if we do throw them in, will shall first confiscate their phones:) Aren't we nice?
Hmmm....wuz so keen on spending a nice lazy day at Deb's house tmr...lazing by the pool...but *sigh*, dun think tt's possible anymore. Ok...so shd the og outing be on? Arghh...but I haven't called anybody yet! And I have so much hmwk...but I already told some pple personally...dun really wanna disappoint em. So torn btw Love(for play) and Duty. So torn.
Ok i shall stop procrastinating. The more i sit here and warble in my own troubles the more troubed I will feel and nothing is solved!!

The song above is rather strange...meaning the tune, but the lyrics strike a chord with me, then again forever is nothing...'tis but a time span, tt will still end one day.

The Lover and the Lovee

Now, lover boy, you listen to me.
Are you sure
You want to spend all your life
Acted upon, not acting?
Defined by the Passive
Not the Active Voice?
'He was cooked a fine meal.
He was washed a clean shirt.
He was kissed a warm kiss,
He was loved
He was lived.'

Intolerable? Of course!
Now lover boy, you listen to me.
For a change, you'll be the lover
And I the lovee.

*****
Lovely poem:) In E8 we are doing carpe diem for the syllabus. Real fun...except when Sir starts betting with us on who can spot the lewd pun first...oh wellz. Real busy now what with the workload getting heavier. So many books to read and I'm not even a quarter through Empire of The Sun! Argh...but I really like Anthony and Cleopatra, which is a good thing...I can't imagine going through a play for the exams if i positively hated it. Ah wellz, at least I'm halfway through my workload for now...hopefully will b able to take a serious one day hiatus on Friday:) Oh joy, one public hol to look forward to *sigh*. Strange tho, despite all the time spend on things to do, neccessities and chores...my thoughts still wonder to you...'tis beautiful yet, cruel.

I find it strange tt I always feel like I have so much to say yet when I begin to type and allow for emotional catharsis to take place...i can't remember what is it tt I had in mind to say.
Let's see, we got the certain 'something' from the certain 'somebody' today:) So happy. So I wuz happily excused from lessons again for the whole day. But I didn't waste it I think...tried to catch up on e1, and now I'm back home doing Art. Haha...but yay didn't have to go for Chinese lecture:) Yes! Yes! But hey give us some credit lah...it's very tiring to have orientation for a whole wk...ok I shall sleep early today.
I really enjoyed chapel today:) Really really missed it...but now the j2 arts r all the way at the back! So I really felt so distant...oh hey what am I saying...God is omnipresent. Pastor shared some stuff today tt is extremely inspiring:) Of course it's mainly meant for the J1s lah...to inspire them to not become slackers like their seniors haha...jk. Indeed, the Adidas slogan is really cool! Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in a world they have been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact, it is an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration, it’s a dare.
Impossible is potential, Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is nothing. Woah...never thought of it tt way. Yupz, we Christians shd adopt the Adidas slogan.
Initially, I wuz filled with much fear and doubt abt the new year. But hey impossible is nothing with God! How could I forget tt wonderful fact! Wellz, so far so good. The new year has started out on a good note. I know the going will get rough once in a while, but hey even if life wuz a bed of roses, there wld still be their thorns...so oh wellz, I shalt not fear for You r near:)
Good luck to all e juniors going for choir auditions! Don't worry, it's not tt bad! :)

Orientation has officially ended. It wuz everything! Every possible nuance of emotion wuz integrated in this wonderful, tiring experience. Even as I speak while my head is still spinning...others are still in school basking in it's aftermath. I really feel like I'm spinning...so dizzy.
Wow, the longest ever orientation in the history of ACJC for the last 5 years...the largest batch of orientees too. It's been eXtreme manz. Haha...hopefully the msg we tried to bring across to the J1s got through...tt it's not abt trying to create rivalry & animosity btw the diff cavelons, rather we are trying to get them to unite in one AC spirit:)
Eye-bags, tanned faces, mud, starch, mass dance, cheers, sore throats...and the list goes on!!! To be at the crux of it is such a blessing, and I thank God for it:) I thank God for my great og too...u guys r so sweet & totally creative manz, coming up with such cool cheers for our espirit, and a totally wierd nick for me which I absolutely love!!! Haha.
Sigh...so now the party is over and it's back to reality again...but...but...there could be, might be, hopefully, will be a HOLIDAY! HOLIDAY! HOLIDAY! on Monday...so Mr Sim, pls pls remember to ask for a certain 'something' from a certain 'somebody'!!! Haha.
Haiz...I don't like this feeling...it's like the satisfaction one gets from reading a good book...it's over but you feel sorry that you have flipped to the last page. Yet the sensation and tingly feeling doesn't leave...
I don't wanna wash my face tonight...I still want to keep my face paint on...but oh wellz.
So life goes on, beginning on Monday...but hopefully we can get a certain 'something' from a certain 'somebody'...:)

I wonder why some things seem to juz stay in one's mind, while others juz vanish without a trace, but can be triggered by something else. So many things tt remind us of past memories...songs, currently empty corridors, empty spaces...a special scent. These things juz triggers one's memory and offsets a whole array of precious moments stored.
The memories are too dear to me, hence I cannot make them depart. Try as I might...they still linger on refusing to leave. At times I do get annoyed and fustrated tt these memories still clamour at my heart forcing me to remember things tt remind me of what I'm lacking. At times, I thank the Lord for such beautiful memories tt tho are small & little, they mean so very much to me. I can never relive these memories in flesh again, but seeing them in my mind is good enough.
Sometimes I get tired of remembering. What's the point on living in the past? It's like feeding on false hope. Haha...but i contradict myself...how can hope be false? If it's hope, it's hope, nothing false or fake about it. Yet I do feel like a fool. I should be moving on...but where to next? I wish for a world without tmr! But that would be a world without progress:(
Indeed, having these memories are like a painful reminder of what I lack in this life of mine. Especially when I'm having such a good time and then I reflect on them, my mood would suddenly dip...and yes I secretly become forlorn again. For most of us, I think we live in secrecy. But I don't mind:) It's nice to be comforted but sometimes, tt sad moment is short and in a minute dosage...it's bearable:) Haha...I sound so melancholic, again.
Yes, yes love does drive people insane sometimes. Insane. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother...sometimes I really yearn with all my heart to just forget. No matter how happy I am...the memories tt latch on to my heart will remind me tt I lack something.
Yet, passivity still reigns because I do fear tt a wrong move will ruin everything. Hence, I'm still praying for tt moment when the final piece will be able to complete the picture:) There must be some sort of reason. If something starts...there should be an end. So tho I do tire easily during the wait, I would like to see this picture completed.
There is this special bond that we share, untainted by words, a bond so rare. For when our gazes meet, though my actions speak naught, my heart doth long to share...

I wuz sitting in the hall & Dejavu wuz the feeling that engulfed me. Wow. I see myself in them, the new cohort. It's really a great feeling to know tt u have been there done tt:) As I sat there i tried to recall my first day. Haha...everything wuz pretty much a blur for me:) I only really woke up when orientation started.

Mel is right...in sec sch there are many transitional periods for one to get adjusted to, but in JC...it's juz 2 diff extremes. First u enter as a junior...then after ur first year...Wham...it's time to assume seniority to e little ones. Not much of a transitional period is present for one to fully prepare oneself for what's ahead...it's pretty overwhelming.

First day, awkwardness, tension, fatigue...i know tmr will be better:)

Happy New Year!! Ok it's kinda overdue...but i did msg some peeps yesterday:) Haiz another year has come & gone, but it's juz the usual feeling of nostalgia & stubborness I guess to not want to let go of something so familiar. I really enjoyed 2004...much to my surprise cuz I wuz sad to let 2003 go. Wellz, I guess it's the inevitable to be sad to let the old go & usher in the new, cuz the new is the unknown...& man is always afraid of not being in control.

I juz suddenly realised how monotonous it is...after one year comes another & another & another, one cycle leads to yet another. No wonder they say it's a chain of events...there is no end. I see my seniors, but now I'm going to be a senior to another somebody who will eventually be a senior to someone else. Wow, it juz keeps going on & on & on. I feel so tired yet excited. How beautiful life is...& fair. I get to experience what's it like to be in someone else's shoes. Incredible.

Tmr is coming...I gotta be in sch by 6.15 am:P Oh my...goodbye to late late nights & late sleep-ins. I juz called my og members:) Very cool. Wuz nervous tho...haha. But all of em very guai lah, cuz I got most of the girls & Ben called most of e guys. So alright:)The guys tend to be chattier...he wuz complaining abt how expensive the orientation essentials were. Haha...yeah manz we r blood-suckers. Sorry to keep harping on this but...I can't believe I'm starting a whole new sch year tmr!!!! Argh...honestly I'm afraid. I'm really nervous yet excited. Lord, give me strength & peace!

What a way to end the year tho. The tsunami tragedy is indeed a nasty way to end it all. I feel so bad for all those who are affected...yet I feel so helpless, there's not much I can do but pray for them. Pls people, pray for them, tt the hurt will heal in time, that the missing can miraculously be found, that wisdom will be granted to those giving aid & rebuilding what has been ruined.

There are many questions left unanswered & it's true tt as man we do not have all the answers. I don't know why this had to happen...I don't know why if our God is so good tragedies still occur on the innocent. But the rain falls on both the good & evil, henceforth...I guess we can only trust. I once had a friend tt said we shd never ask a Christian for advice, cuz all we can say is "trust in the Lord!". Indeed that is true, but in times of darkness when there is somebody who promises us light, how can we rebuke & continue running into the depths of the abyss? Makes no sense. So, I will juz trust. Live by faith & not by sight. I don't know but He knows.:)

Kaez, shd get back to calling people now & all the best everybody! To the seniors: I'm so envious of ur new-found freedom!!!!!!!!!!