Tuesday, April 24, 2007
hunger
As you can see studying in school is an immensely boring thing to do hence the constant update of my blog...
Today as I was travelling to school with bjork blasting in my ears I was triggered into thinking about how hungry I always was. Not physical hunger but the hunger that is drive. It scared me that I will never be fully assuaged. What if I realise that no matter how much I do I will never be fully satisfied?
I got back my lit essay...pretty hilarious... I was so afraid the grade will totally marr my studying time in school that I told my friend to keep it for me without showing me the grade and then passing it back to me at 9.30pm when we left school. Ok so it was a rather well done piece=) I'm glad I improved, but what scared me was that I didn't dwell on the relief and happiness that was brought about by God's grace, but instead was poring over the paper to see what went wrong. Then...thinking about consultation blah blah blah
Ohmyged am I a workaholic, control-freak? I think I can never be satisfied. Never...'til I die and go to heaven?
That's why I feel scared for myself in the future... I hope that I will know when enough is enough and not totally go crazy. Then again... I think I'm exaggerating lah... hunger... I am hungry but I do know that in the end the rat race is for naught...so lets just enjoy the feeling of being full.
Today as I was travelling to school with bjork blasting in my ears I was triggered into thinking about how hungry I always was. Not physical hunger but the hunger that is drive. It scared me that I will never be fully assuaged. What if I realise that no matter how much I do I will never be fully satisfied?
I got back my lit essay...pretty hilarious... I was so afraid the grade will totally marr my studying time in school that I told my friend to keep it for me without showing me the grade and then passing it back to me at 9.30pm when we left school. Ok so it was a rather well done piece=) I'm glad I improved, but what scared me was that I didn't dwell on the relief and happiness that was brought about by God's grace, but instead was poring over the paper to see what went wrong. Then...thinking about consultation blah blah blah
Ohmyged am I a workaholic, control-freak? I think I can never be satisfied. Never...'til I die and go to heaven?
That's why I feel scared for myself in the future... I hope that I will know when enough is enough and not totally go crazy. Then again... I think I'm exaggerating lah... hunger... I am hungry but I do know that in the end the rat race is for naught...so lets just enjoy the feeling of being full.
// posted by grace @ 11:15 AM
Monday, April 23, 2007
keep trying
On Sunday, one of my church friends told me how my msn nick inspired her to keep trying=) A very simple thing to say but when she said it, it gave me strength. To encourage oneself and in the process encourage another really creates so much joy. I have come to a point in time whereby trusting God does not make me feel secure but in actual makes me doubt even more. It's quite a strange thought but rather logical if you see it in a secular light. By saying that you trust in God you relinquish control over things and so you would feel helpless in some sense. Though of course, God helps those who help themselves so maybe there is some form of power left in our hands.
I just had my first paper today...I like this module=) I prayed really hard but I am still uncertain about the outcome. But you know what... doesn't matter anymore whether life gives me a kiss on the cheek or slaps me in the face, I shall appreciate it. That is the beauty of life, the flavour of life. If I die tomorrow it's good if I live 'til 80 it's great if I don't die haha...even better I guess. So if I do get my dreams it's good, if I don't then great it will be a surprise. Whatever it is I think I shall embrace it and just keep on going on.
Of course it is easier said than done, especially at 2pm today when I will receive yet another assignment which may break my bones and spirit all over again. Oh my God...are you still there, they are small little things but I already feel so brittle...please help me trust in you again.
"I don't care about anything
While making a face like, "OK, Whatever"
I've always, always been praying
I want what I don't have
I can't be satisfied that easily
So I keep trying"
("Keep trying"--utada hikaru)
I just had my first paper today...I like this module=) I prayed really hard but I am still uncertain about the outcome. But you know what... doesn't matter anymore whether life gives me a kiss on the cheek or slaps me in the face, I shall appreciate it. That is the beauty of life, the flavour of life. If I die tomorrow it's good if I live 'til 80 it's great if I don't die haha...even better I guess. So if I do get my dreams it's good, if I don't then great it will be a surprise. Whatever it is I think I shall embrace it and just keep on going on.
Of course it is easier said than done, especially at 2pm today when I will receive yet another assignment which may break my bones and spirit all over again. Oh my God...are you still there, they are small little things but I already feel so brittle...please help me trust in you again.
"I don't care about anything
While making a face like, "OK, Whatever"
I've always, always been praying
I want what I don't have
I can't be satisfied that easily
So I keep trying"
("Keep trying"--utada hikaru)
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Reality
Why do things change so fast? Why do people change so fast? Is there nothing left that is worth having?
I feel so...everything is lost...I thought I didn't need and maybe I don't because even as I type this the pain ebbs. I heal fast maybe. I will move on...
Every night is a struggle now... how could have been so foolish to be such an idealist? Tell me? I guess because in every human being there is always this capacity to hope. To say it's going to be ok.
I know it will be, just never expected such a bitter, cold slap in the face from reality. The cold hard kiss of reality that just freezes your heart... grips it and claws at it. Nothingness now just pure nothingness...
"when you walk away, you won't hear me say, please... oh baby don't go..." Maybe it's better like this. Paradoxically, I am glad...
Haha...I speak in songs now=)
I feel so...everything is lost...I thought I didn't need and maybe I don't because even as I type this the pain ebbs. I heal fast maybe. I will move on...
Every night is a struggle now... how could have been so foolish to be such an idealist? Tell me? I guess because in every human being there is always this capacity to hope. To say it's going to be ok.
I know it will be, just never expected such a bitter, cold slap in the face from reality. The cold hard kiss of reality that just freezes your heart... grips it and claws at it. Nothingness now just pure nothingness...
"when you walk away, you won't hear me say, please... oh baby don't go..." Maybe it's better like this. Paradoxically, I am glad...
Haha...I speak in songs now=)
// posted by grace @ 12:31 AM
Friday, April 20, 2007
dancing through the dark currents
I know i did put this song "Kremlin Dusk" up before, i vaguely remember...
It's been one hell of a ride. I'm back alive, almost. And you wouldn't understand because I too could never comprehend myself very much.
I'm the world's most disturbing girl I think. If I could project my thoughts and feelings on a screen it would be horrifically beautiful...if there is such a word as 'horrifically'.
When I feel so raw and vulnerable I realise the thing that I always knew long ago, that the only person you can rely on is really yourself. Then again friends always come and tell me they 'love me' and just these words can reduce me back to human again.
Oh batter my heart 3 personed God. Art thou there? Hear me cry...
You with your whole battalion of the divine...if you are against me than I pray in vain. Give me that which defines who I am and not what I need!
Then I grow quiet, of course I grow quiet...we always go quiet after a while and just realise and maybe become a little wiser.
"we dance through some dark currents... on the surface implicity, finds the deepest pit in me...and it's pagan poetry...pagan poetry..." Bjork, Pagan poetry.
Music, the only thing I can really understand, that will be true to me.
It's been one hell of a ride. I'm back alive, almost. And you wouldn't understand because I too could never comprehend myself very much.
I'm the world's most disturbing girl I think. If I could project my thoughts and feelings on a screen it would be horrifically beautiful...if there is such a word as 'horrifically'.
When I feel so raw and vulnerable I realise the thing that I always knew long ago, that the only person you can rely on is really yourself. Then again friends always come and tell me they 'love me' and just these words can reduce me back to human again.
Oh batter my heart 3 personed God. Art thou there? Hear me cry...
You with your whole battalion of the divine...if you are against me than I pray in vain. Give me that which defines who I am and not what I need!
Then I grow quiet, of course I grow quiet...we always go quiet after a while and just realise and maybe become a little wiser.
"we dance through some dark currents... on the surface implicity, finds the deepest pit in me...and it's pagan poetry...pagan poetry..." Bjork, Pagan poetry.
Music, the only thing I can really understand, that will be true to me.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
kremlin dusk
"Kremlin Dusk"
All along I was searching for my Lenore
In the words of Mr. Edgar Allan Poe
Now I'm sober and "Nevermore"
Will the Raven come to bother me at home
Calling you, calling you home
You... calling you, calling you home
By the door you said you had to go
Couldn't help me anymore
This I saw coming, long before
So I kept on staring out the window
Calling you, calling you home
You... calling you, calling you home
I am a natural entertainer, aren't we all
Holding pieces of dying ember
I'm just trying to remember who I can call
Who can I call
Home... calling you, calling you
I run a secret propaganda
Aren't we all hiding pieces of broken anger
I'm just trying to remember who I can call
Can I call
*Born in a war of opposite attraction
It isn't, or is it a natural conception
Torn by the arms in opposite direction
It isn't or is it a Modernist reaction
*Born in a war of opposite attraction
It isn't, or is it a natural conception
Torn by the arms in opposite direction
It isn't or is it a Modernist reaction
Is it like thisIs it always the same
When a heartache begins, is it like this
Do you like this
Is it always the same
Will you come back again
Do you like this
Is it always the same
Will come back again
Do you like this Do you like this
Is it like thisIs it always the same
If you change your phone number, will you tell me
Is it like this
Is it always the same
When a heartache begins, is it like this
If you like this Will you remember my name
Will you play it again, if you like this
(by Utada Hikaru)
***********************
I'm always good at hiding my feelings under layers of doubt, under layers and layers and layers 'til sometimes I just lose myself and lose so much. Can you turn the tables now? So much passion can also have that dangerous potential of turning into hate. I have never felt more rawness in myself than I do now the way life just surprises you like this, catches you off guard and when you cross that thin red line you know, that close to nothing can burn off the ice.
It's not complex, very simple actually when you take a step back and assess the situation. I now know where to go and how to go about doing it. It's very simple once you get pass the sudden flux of breathlessness, the ache then you feel the same old you returning back again.
I always hoped, waited, was patient but I think it was a foolish thing. I feel the sudden coldness blowing at my heart and I swear this is the last. Never more will I search for my last lenore. I never needed and never will. In a sense there is goodness to come out of the pain. I taste and now I feel how life truly is when you feel like emotions can totally consume you. Consume me 'til I'm numb and in want of no more.
// posted by grace @ 4:06 PM
