A bed of roses & their thorns

I juz watched that show last night, momento. I must say, it left quite an impact on me. Couldn't stop thinking abt it. Joey, Tatt and i were still digressing on the possibility of what it could have been, considering tt the memory style of directing caused alot of things to be hazy.

It wuz ultra cool, everything occured backwards...and the focus was on memory. Which of course makes one think about it's significance in one's life. Can you imagine what it would be like if you couldn't make new memories? How tragic. You would be constantly forgetting new people that you meet and unable to remember any special events tt take place. So everytime you see somebody, you won't know whether or not you have met him or her before. Haiz, that was how it wuz for the protagonist of the show, he had to keep taking poloraid photos of people and places and write notes on them to keep track of his entire life!!

Then again, memories are questionable. You only remember what you want...sometimes what you remember may not even be a fact or an actual occurence but something you conjour up to live in. To live in the lie of the past, so you can have something to live for. Creating a little world of your own, dwelling on self inflicted lies because sometimes we only like to replay the good parts of our memories and omit the hurtful or embarassing ones.

Indeed, things change in memories, the colour of the car may not be red, but pink, blue, green but it's still a car...the details are all distorted. Sometimes I replay memories of you in my head. Like a slideshow to remind myself of those times. I see all of it and I wonder if I was accurate in remembering you at all. I realise when I think hard enough, I did omit certain things about you and magnify others. I realise that certain memories of you loses it's desired effect on me. I don't feel as happy when I recall these memories presently as compared to the past. I think I have exhausted such memories. But how can I create new ones of you when you are not around anymore.

But I am so thankful for memories, indeed they are life's momento of the past. I will always treasure them and continue to create them. Let's hope I will continue to make good memories that would last. may the rest of the year be a good one. Amen.

Argh...death to all taiwanese idol dramas! My sister is depriving me of a perfectly good english drama on tv because she simply has to watch her dratted Taiwanese drama! I feel so so fustrated at her silliness! I mean it's a vcd...you can watch it anytime hello!!??! Yeah well much ado about nothing is so right. I juz feel very worked up at this point of time. *Deep Breathe*

But why are people so addicted to such predictable dramas with their never-ending cycle of love triangles. Bah. Argh...it's not fair...*sobz*...all this friction with her is driving me nuts. Is she gg through some sort of phrase in her life? What? Like the rites of passage or something. *sigh*, first my brother now her...the road to teen-hood is never an easy one...they morph into crabbier people...Mamamia.

Ok I will chillex. Yes. I can always rent a vcd to watch at home during the hols.

Haha:) Must rmb to adopt the english lifestyle while in London...even if for a few hours would be nice. I totally agree with Mr joey(the-ego-one)that we all should eat fish and chips in brown paper packages at the lovely english park. Ah...to breathe the fresh crisp english air...but mum says the air there is very polluted...Hmmm...planning of itinery. Shopping is really out of the question, but mayb we can go and take a look at the more famous shopping malls like Harolds!! I wonder if we have enough time to go check out the libraries. Lovely lovely. The scent of old books with fading pages, the silence, the smooth floors tt have footsteps echoing throughout the corridors:)

Ah yes...and who can forget the famous wax museum, hope we don't have to queue too long for a ticket.

Oh...which brings me to another point...tmr tmr. Last day on stage. As a batch at least. I pray that it will be good. I have somewhat forgotten that feeling of sharing a special moment together...long time since it has happen. Too long. Sometimes I juz don't have the confidence to think it can ever happen again. Mayb we really are not good enough? *sigh* ok, shall stop demeaning oneself now and juz try.

Have you forgotten me? Sometimes I think you have. I wonder if I have. Maybe sometimes I forget to remember...but then again typing this proves that I haven't and mayb I never will even if somtimes I want to.

Happy birthday to Cass! Tmr you turn 18! Oh yeah and to all the may babies: Mengz, Mae and Wonus! Happy belated birthday!!

The longer you live the more you realise that there is less things to talk about. My thoughts ever lean on the same cycle of things. Even when change is present, it is the change itself that we constantly harp about not how it has changed. It's abit hard to explain really, don't know how to put it. But I guess yeah...I get the feeling of dejavu everyday. The feeling of having lots to do but juz don't want to get started and instead procrastinate the time away. The feeling like you ought to do something more meaningful, the feeling that you want to do something but shouldn't cause there are more important things to do. The feeling of suppression.

I wish it would rain now! It's really hot. I really hope there could be rain everyday. Storms are lovely, drizzles are refreshing...i love rain:)

I wish I wouldn't regret so much. I always regret and I really hate that.
I wish I wouldn't read so much into things and feel bitter for no apparent reason. There is always a reason for things happenning so I should juz bite the bullet and go on.
I wish the salesgirls in bodyshop in JB wouldn't be so rude.
I wish there wouldn't be gender discrimination in the middle east.

Oh which brings me to another point. I'm really thankful to be free. In the literal sense, that I am in a place that does not discriminate against women. Yes, random though it may be, a show we watched, Osama, during GP wuz immmensely thought provoking. About a girl's life during the Taliban period. I can't imagine what it would be like to have no rights, to be treated without respect. How can it be? I always always felt that man and woman were equals. Well, feel free to challenge this notion, but i will still adhere to such an opinion.

Hmmm...sigh...my mind is blank now. Like I say, the more you live each day, you realise that amidst the changes, one's thoughts more or less stay the same. Habits and sigh the diff emotional fluxes...they are all the same. Same same same...how paradoxical. Things change everyday and yet everyday things feel the same.

I think I'm learning to adapt. I'm changing...

The title means moving on in japanese:) Alot have been said today and you know what? Only the players can see the real meaning in everything that we have been through. The spectators, those at the periphery will never understand. I feel so fustrated when I'm not understood. I get very worked up and agitated, which I will feel guilty for later cuz sigh, they don't see things from my perspective so no pt blaming them.

My eyes feel funny. Anywayz. Wuz talking to daniel and mindy today. Haha. Deep thoughts session or so mindy says. No lah nothing too deep not politics or anything. I juz really don't like the whole concept of being somebody else when one blogs. People are always judging each other hence i guess when we do things for others it can never really be true and free. There is no freedom when we live for humanity. That's why I still keep a private diary anywayz, cuz this place is not exactly the safest place to purgate one's infinite cistern of thoughts. Dark thoughts, wierd thoughts, thoughts tt will make you see me in a whole new light. I never said i was perfect. Yeah. There is always this facade, and ultimately people judge by the cover! I'm not kidding, sigh, I'm experiencing it and sometimes i adhere to such a code too. EEk...i will not be a conformist!

She has left us. So sad. But it wuz a struggle anywayz. I can understand her friends' guilt for not being there for her, and sometimes even my own guilt. I never really gave much for her. Wuz always too wrapped up in my own life. Sometimes it's cuz i think too much and tt stops me from giving. You know it's like when you want to say something but then you figured tt nah...it won't be of much help anywayz then you don't say it...then you realise tt it could have some impact if you at least tried. Guilt.

I wonder why I always write such long entries. Too free issit?? Haha. Stream-of-consciousness. I shall try it one day. sounds like alot of fun. Mindy says she got a shock of her life at the amount of crap tt goes through her head. Let's see what my subconscious mind reveals...I suggested tt we showed each other our little thoughts..but then we concluded tt it wuz best we don't. When we know tt we are doing it for someone to see...the facade springs up again and we curb ourselves from writing things tt aren't politically correct. There will always be this element of fraud...ok let's not over-generalise. I guess if one sincerely wants to serve...that is doing something for people and falseness will not be an issue...

Ladee da. I have a geog test on Friday. Econs test on Tues. E4 essay due next Monday. So what am I doing here??

Haiz.

Verse 1
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Keep believing
Dreams are for living
Wonders are ready to start
Live your story
Faith, Hope and Glory
Hold to the truth in your heart
Chorus
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Christ sees us through
to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
Verse 2
Souls in the darkness
learn how to stand
And pray in the gap
Hold on to the end
Valleys, mountains
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Souls are dying
Lighters are praying
Please keep on holding
in prayer
Chorus
Bridge
And when we reach out in the dark
They'll see a bright new sun
In the dark they will see our light
feel our warmth everyone
Chorus
*****
Such a lovely song:) It makes me feel ashamed of my passivity. So many roles to play I lose sight of my true identity, and make constant excuse on my lack of time and fatigue.
I have no tenacity. I have not captured the spirit...do I even desire it? For if I do, then really tt would make all the difference I think.
Gosh...I don't love people enough to help them, to save them. It's always too difficult. My passivity. Our passivity. I type so much in my blog abt being a Christian but I don't even live like one. The book of Acts shows the acts of the apostle, the works of the spirit. I have nothing to be proud of.
I really dislike my passivity, the crazy thing is...I'm merely passive in that aspect, and it's the most important aspect in one's life. Looks like I'm quite doomed. Sorry:(