Sunday, January 23, 2005
Self-forged Manacles
Ah...not only my physical being is heavy with many tasks but so is my heart heavy with much mixed emotions. I did tell all tt I have to say to U Lord, pray tt U will help me in my time of such great confusion and hopelessness tt I actually feel glad to start the wk of school again, for in all it's madness of deadlines and lessons, I find comfort to bury all other distractions. Indeed, I think routine is my only escape from the mundane-ness of all my silly brooding.
Today wuz really bad. I did cheer up reasonably for some moments but ended up steeped in melancholy again...indeed a life without hope is a life not worth living. Who really cares anyway, nobody genuinely cares abt anybody but themselves. It's so ironic tt with the intentions of protecting a person from getting hurt one causes a person to be hurt thru the advice given. 'Tis the pain of hopelessness. Lord do U see my silent prayers, my silent tears tt doth fall behind closed doors when I'm all alone in e lonely lonely nights. I sometimes imagine myself cling onto You oh Lord in desperation refusing to let go. I wonder sometimes why I feel such pain, when in fact I am happy...strange, but I don't understand all the madness of fluctuating emotions.
*sigh* Lots of pple think ey noe me but how can they when I don't even think I know myself nor my rash tendencies tt wld prove dangerous during my lowest points. I wld prob regret saying this but yeah I have tot of ending it all. Judge me if you want. I don't say it with pride just with honesty. Who has never tot of ending it all in death anyway? It's really so easy esp with the freedom of choice. I exercise tt free will...but then again I will have to face the consequences. Which comes back to what Deb said...how can it be free will when we have to face the consequences in the end?
I really want to have hope but something in me has already died. Died. Hopefully this is only one of my low points tt wld eventually amount to nothing. Haha. Haha.
Yet yet, I cannot stop myself from believing tt U will be my source of strength, even when pple disappoint and fail me as I do to them, Lord pray U will not leave me. *sigh* Lord......
Today wuz really bad. I did cheer up reasonably for some moments but ended up steeped in melancholy again...indeed a life without hope is a life not worth living. Who really cares anyway, nobody genuinely cares abt anybody but themselves. It's so ironic tt with the intentions of protecting a person from getting hurt one causes a person to be hurt thru the advice given. 'Tis the pain of hopelessness. Lord do U see my silent prayers, my silent tears tt doth fall behind closed doors when I'm all alone in e lonely lonely nights. I sometimes imagine myself cling onto You oh Lord in desperation refusing to let go. I wonder sometimes why I feel such pain, when in fact I am happy...strange, but I don't understand all the madness of fluctuating emotions.
*sigh* Lots of pple think ey noe me but how can they when I don't even think I know myself nor my rash tendencies tt wld prove dangerous during my lowest points. I wld prob regret saying this but yeah I have tot of ending it all. Judge me if you want. I don't say it with pride just with honesty. Who has never tot of ending it all in death anyway? It's really so easy esp with the freedom of choice. I exercise tt free will...but then again I will have to face the consequences. Which comes back to what Deb said...how can it be free will when we have to face the consequences in the end?
I really want to have hope but something in me has already died. Died. Hopefully this is only one of my low points tt wld eventually amount to nothing. Haha. Haha.
Yet yet, I cannot stop myself from believing tt U will be my source of strength, even when pple disappoint and fail me as I do to them, Lord pray U will not leave me. *sigh* Lord......
// posted by grace @ 11:48 PM 
