Friday, March 11, 2005
inhibitions
Last day of the term...which marks a week of semi-quasi-break thingy. Too much work to do and worry abt for it to be actually called a break. Went out for lunch then the rest of e choir wanted to watch Hitch...but wasn't interested so i whiled my time away in the library.
I wonder why is it people have inhibitions, ok mayb im generalizing...i noe of a few reckless individuals, but apart from them...sigh i think we all have a limit we set for ourselves. I definitely have this thing tt stops me from doing things tt i want to and follow my heart. Take for eg, the selection of books in the library today...i had to borrow books for Art, but i desperately wanted to borrow other books esp novels...plus the thought of the lit books lying in my drawer waiting to be ploughed through stopped me. I felt so...suppressed. Haha. Because i wanted to but i knew i couldn't. Of course i could juz go ahead and lead the hedonistic lifestyle, not really bothering the consequences of enjoying the present...but no, i dun think i want to regret.
Then on the way home, on the bus, i spied a group of boys playing soccer on the deserted field...and i wondered what would they do if i went over and started playing with them. Haha. Of course...tt's juz another strange sudden desire, to not care and do as i want. They looked so happy and free...despite that the goalpost, it being juz an acid orange wooden fence, fell on top of the goalkeeper, they still cont, playing. There wasn't even enough people. No rules, no uniform, no inhibitions tt i always seem to have.
Not tt i have anything against uniforms of course:) On contrary, I quite wonder what will life be without tt ever reliable outfit tt i can wear everyday without a care. Haha, so ironic tt uniforms are seen to be a form of restriction, when really doesn't it help to lessen our load of decisions...whether or not tt outfit looks ok, or does this look better...
Sigh...i wish i won't keep saying tt i will do all tt i ever want after the As...maybe it's juz a jc thing...the As is some sort of milestone and we have to work towards it like mad...everything else can wait. But see, i still want to live. I don't think life will be anymore better or worse after the As...i think it's juz my mindset. The common laments of "oh, u can do this after the As...", "after the As you can learn this, do tt, relax..." blah blah...so sad. I can't do all tt now? Actually after an honest assessment, i really don't think i can do all tt now. So...sad. But i really refuse. Something in me juz refuses to stop listening to my heart.
I will one fine day...take a train or a bus...and go to wherever i FEEL like. juz dropping off wherever i pls, no plans nothing. I will not carry anything except the neccessities like wallet and phone. No bag, no dratted load behind me...juz me, moi, myself...on that train stoning...and when i hear a name of the station tt i like, i will alight and take a walk around tt vicinity. Ha.
Yes...and i will learn to drive and then i will drive around aimlessly...and get lost. Then...then...sigh. Whatever, I think im too stressed. Indeed, haha, the past few nights i've experienced the strangest dreams: Being in the speeding car, running around madly in school and then in shopping centres; staring at a dead lizard with Chua(seriously wierd) and having ec with hasshim ali repeating the ans to one of the drq questions (it's increasing at a decreasing rate...it's increasing at a decreasing rate)...
ok...ok im still breathing:) And today wuz a nice breather for me. So...yes indeed i will do all tt i mentioned...as soon as i have the time to waste...which will of course be after i kick A-levels butt. Haha.
I wonder why is it people have inhibitions, ok mayb im generalizing...i noe of a few reckless individuals, but apart from them...sigh i think we all have a limit we set for ourselves. I definitely have this thing tt stops me from doing things tt i want to and follow my heart. Take for eg, the selection of books in the library today...i had to borrow books for Art, but i desperately wanted to borrow other books esp novels...plus the thought of the lit books lying in my drawer waiting to be ploughed through stopped me. I felt so...suppressed. Haha. Because i wanted to but i knew i couldn't. Of course i could juz go ahead and lead the hedonistic lifestyle, not really bothering the consequences of enjoying the present...but no, i dun think i want to regret.
Then on the way home, on the bus, i spied a group of boys playing soccer on the deserted field...and i wondered what would they do if i went over and started playing with them. Haha. Of course...tt's juz another strange sudden desire, to not care and do as i want. They looked so happy and free...despite that the goalpost, it being juz an acid orange wooden fence, fell on top of the goalkeeper, they still cont, playing. There wasn't even enough people. No rules, no uniform, no inhibitions tt i always seem to have.
Not tt i have anything against uniforms of course:) On contrary, I quite wonder what will life be without tt ever reliable outfit tt i can wear everyday without a care. Haha, so ironic tt uniforms are seen to be a form of restriction, when really doesn't it help to lessen our load of decisions...whether or not tt outfit looks ok, or does this look better...
Sigh...i wish i won't keep saying tt i will do all tt i ever want after the As...maybe it's juz a jc thing...the As is some sort of milestone and we have to work towards it like mad...everything else can wait. But see, i still want to live. I don't think life will be anymore better or worse after the As...i think it's juz my mindset. The common laments of "oh, u can do this after the As...", "after the As you can learn this, do tt, relax..." blah blah...so sad. I can't do all tt now? Actually after an honest assessment, i really don't think i can do all tt now. So...sad. But i really refuse. Something in me juz refuses to stop listening to my heart.
I will one fine day...take a train or a bus...and go to wherever i FEEL like. juz dropping off wherever i pls, no plans nothing. I will not carry anything except the neccessities like wallet and phone. No bag, no dratted load behind me...juz me, moi, myself...on that train stoning...and when i hear a name of the station tt i like, i will alight and take a walk around tt vicinity. Ha.
Yes...and i will learn to drive and then i will drive around aimlessly...and get lost. Then...then...sigh. Whatever, I think im too stressed. Indeed, haha, the past few nights i've experienced the strangest dreams: Being in the speeding car, running around madly in school and then in shopping centres; staring at a dead lizard with Chua(seriously wierd) and having ec with hasshim ali repeating the ans to one of the drq questions (it's increasing at a decreasing rate...it's increasing at a decreasing rate)...
ok...ok im still breathing:) And today wuz a nice breather for me. So...yes indeed i will do all tt i mentioned...as soon as i have the time to waste...which will of course be after i kick A-levels butt. Haha.
// posted by grace @ 10:59 PM 
