Monday, July 10, 2006
freefall
This few weeks have truly been a testing for me, my christian walk, my faith, my believe. The forbidden fruit always seems so much more enticing, attractive, desirable. I do lust after it with a craving, aching heart. But I know it's for naught, and what good can come out of the transient satisfaction that the world has to offer.
Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to just freefall. To just let go and free fall your way through life, hoping maybe like all the people who testified of His goodness and grace, that He will likewise save you before it's too late? I have wished it many a times. When the temptation beckons and calls to me, drawing me like the sinful scent of the cigarette smoke, which i both hate yet am beginning to feel strangely appeased by it. I wonder...if there will be a safety harness at the end of my fall. How can i testify of His goodness if i have never even tried crossing the edge and toyed dangerously with my limitations? Yet my moral fibres refuses to give me a break, they scream out to me in my mind, even congruously to the evil that lurks at the back.
Oh that im not that pure, I don't attest to any goodness and purity at all...Sometimes I just feel so tired of living for Him all the time. But how can I say so when I truly mean the praises I sing and the worship I give Him every time I do so. You know, when we say, 'Lord I offer my life to you...' When I say that I want to live for Him all the days of my life, I truly mean it! But in action, when I'm faced with a whole paraphernalia of choices that can either please my flesh or please Him, I realise that it's harder than I thought to truly give the reigns of my life to Him.
When I was praying and worshipping at church yesterday...I saw an image in my mind, The Father handing me the reigns of a horse and telling me, "When you are ready, you can give it back to me". Oh, i wanted so badly to give it to Him to tell Him "Lord you take control", but I couldn't do it, I couldn't let go of certain things that still had a hold on me. All I could manage to do was to let Him hold half of the reigns while I still had my hand on them. I couldn't let go. It's much harder than I thought.
I've talked to people and all they can tell me is flee...but here I am being stubborn and wanting to stand my ground thinking that I am strong enough to handle my own situation. Thinking that maybe God doesn't want me to flee..I can do all things through Christ Jesus that strengthens me right? Oh my...
Save me from my thoughts, for when the seed is implanted in the mind, no matter how far back you think you have pushed it, it's still there waiting to manifest in the flesh.
She's not falling, still clinging on but she knows it so easy to just let go.
Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to just freefall. To just let go and free fall your way through life, hoping maybe like all the people who testified of His goodness and grace, that He will likewise save you before it's too late? I have wished it many a times. When the temptation beckons and calls to me, drawing me like the sinful scent of the cigarette smoke, which i both hate yet am beginning to feel strangely appeased by it. I wonder...if there will be a safety harness at the end of my fall. How can i testify of His goodness if i have never even tried crossing the edge and toyed dangerously with my limitations? Yet my moral fibres refuses to give me a break, they scream out to me in my mind, even congruously to the evil that lurks at the back.
Oh that im not that pure, I don't attest to any goodness and purity at all...Sometimes I just feel so tired of living for Him all the time. But how can I say so when I truly mean the praises I sing and the worship I give Him every time I do so. You know, when we say, 'Lord I offer my life to you...' When I say that I want to live for Him all the days of my life, I truly mean it! But in action, when I'm faced with a whole paraphernalia of choices that can either please my flesh or please Him, I realise that it's harder than I thought to truly give the reigns of my life to Him.
When I was praying and worshipping at church yesterday...I saw an image in my mind, The Father handing me the reigns of a horse and telling me, "When you are ready, you can give it back to me". Oh, i wanted so badly to give it to Him to tell Him "Lord you take control", but I couldn't do it, I couldn't let go of certain things that still had a hold on me. All I could manage to do was to let Him hold half of the reigns while I still had my hand on them. I couldn't let go. It's much harder than I thought.
I've talked to people and all they can tell me is flee...but here I am being stubborn and wanting to stand my ground thinking that I am strong enough to handle my own situation. Thinking that maybe God doesn't want me to flee..I can do all things through Christ Jesus that strengthens me right? Oh my...
Save me from my thoughts, for when the seed is implanted in the mind, no matter how far back you think you have pushed it, it's still there waiting to manifest in the flesh.
She's not falling, still clinging on but she knows it so easy to just let go.
// posted by grace @ 12:10 PM 
